Killing Two Birds With One Stone

It has been a while since I last entered Blogville Bank & Trust and made a deposit.  I have either been lazy, not in the mood, or just out of fresh ideas.  Whatever the excuses, I have returned with this random thought.

For Christmas this year I offered the kids an interesting proposition.  I offered either to purchase $X.XX worth of presents for each of them and have then available for opening on Christmas morning (well, actually Christmas Eve as that is when we typically open our gifts) or I could purchase 1.5 x $X.XX worth of presents after the new year.  I will not get into the reasons for my doing so but the kids selected option 2 (the 1.5 x $X.XX worth of gifts).  We had already purchased a few gifts so they did have something to open at least (my personal favorite being a chess set I purchased for the daughter that had pink and purple chess pieces).

Since the kids know that they will have some money to purchase gifts, we did a little post Christmas / pre Christmas shopping last night.  The daughter was spending the night with the mother-in-law so it was just the son, the wife, and I.  The son had bought an electronic dart board for the wife for Christmas and though we looked all over the house we could not find (3) AA batteries so as we headed out of the first store, we did need to head through the check out line to pay for the batteries that we picked up while pre-shopping.

The wife wanted to use the restroom before leaving and was trying to explain the merits of having me pay for the batteries while she visited the restroom.  I saw her logic but then she said, “…this way we can kill two birds with one stone…”  I thought about this for a moment and did not see how this phrase applied here.

The origin of this phrase is interesting and it means what we all thought it means, basically that you do (1) thing and accomplish (2) things.  I explained to the wife that the phrase really did not apply in this situation.  This began a discussion while we both stood in line.  I explained that we were doing (2) things (checking out and using the restroom) and accomplishing (2) things.  If anything we were killing two birds with two stones simultaneously (a phrase that I may use later) but we certainly were not killing two birds with one stone.  She disagreed.  I then explained that for her to be correct there either…

1. Had to be a toilet in the check out line that we were in currently
2. Had to be a check out lane in the stall in the ladies room

These are the two ways that she could be right.  I confirmed there were no toilets in the check out lane and I assumed that there were no check out lanes in the ladies restrooms, therefore the phrase did not apply.  We paid for the batteries and then she visited the restroom and then we were on our way even though in her heart I think she still thought she was right.

Now, writing this blog (to get back into the spirit of blogging) and poking fun at my wife (which I never take a break at), THIS is killing two birds with one stone!

Jon

Value Entertainment

I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that the daughter hung out on the couch most of the stay in slug mode.  As such she got plenty of sleep.  So much sleep that at 2 AM she came into our bedroom to announce (in a very awake sounding voice) that she was not tired.  Given the wife’s inability even to feign alertness after 9 PM or so, I knew within seconds that this situation was all on me to solve.  I opted to putting the daughter on the coach with the good blanket and finding something on the TV.  This left the small rocker-recliner and the remnants of a blanket that we have all but abandoned to the dogs for me.

I only have a $12 antennae from Radio Shack and I am 30 to 40 miles away from the main TV stations so pickings are slim even during the waking hours for value entertainment.  At 2 AM this morning the best options was some music video channel called The Cool TV and the syndicated show Family Feud.  We opted for the latter.

I remember vaguely that for a while about 5 years ago this show made a comeback with Richard Karn (from Home Improvement) hosting.  I also remember Louie Anderson hosting before that.  Anyway, I recognized the host early this morning as Steve Harvey and I guess he does as good of a job as any of the replacement hosts over the years.  We watched two shows which got us until 3 AM and the daughter was still wide awake.  Nothing else kid friendly was on after that so I switched the TV input to our home theater PC and played Ice Age 2.  I made it for about the first 20 minutes or so and then dozed off and on until the end of the movie.

Once the movie was over, the daughter (who was still evidently wide awake) let me know that it was time to get up and find more entertainment during her insomnia.  I switched back to the antennae and then we watched an infomercial for the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven.  I have actually seen infomercials for this product before but this one was different in that it was hosted by none other than Mr. T (don’t believe me, here is a short video clip).  The daughter recognized him immediately from the Season 1 DVD set we have of The A Team.  I snoozed in and out of this one like I did the movie but it was followed by another infomercial for Hip Hop Abs.  This one should have been rated PG-13 as there are some rather skinny women gyrating the parts of their bodies you would imagine need to be gyrated in order to get those abs looking that good.  They were all (of course) dressed in as little clothing as possible (gotta show of the abs, right?) and the male exercise leader did not even bother to put on a shirt.  Fortunately for me by this time another channel had the early morning news on and so I switched over to that for the duration of our night together.

Around 6:30 I went back into our bedroom to find the Doberman stretched out on my half of the bed.  As I entered the room she opened one eye and did not move any other muscle.  She did not even have the courtesy of looking guilty.  I imagine the wife might have fought this idea at first but in her defense, the dog does put out some major heat so I could not be upset.  Once I convinced the 3 of them (including Oreo) that it was time to get up, our day then began like any other day.  The son is a little excited as he thinks this will give him the advantage in our 16 game chess tournament that we started yesterday.  We will see.  For now, I am concentrating on making it until noon when we are heading to the mother-in-law’s for the annual Thanksgiving leftovers lunch.  After that, I plan on getting in a well deserved nap.

Jon

A Strange Dream

It was a rare day where the wife had to work and I didn’t.  This gave the day a strange, Saturday-like feeling all day long even up until bed time when the son asked me if we were attending the early or late service for church tomorrow.  The daughter was feeling under the weather and spent most of the day on the couch lounging around with Oreo nearby (he usually hangs out on the couch all day anyway but today someone was hogging his pillow).  This left the son and I to entertain ourselves.  Before I get into that, I do want to tell you about a strange dream I had though.

For some reason (it was never made clear in the dream) I was back in a house that I grew up in from approximately age 12 to after I graduated high school.  I remember there being other people there that I knew but for the life of my I do not remember who they are now.  Maybe I just seemed to know them for the purpose of this dream.  Anyway, I remember being hungry so I went into the kitchen in search of food.  The only thing I could find was some sort of sandwich pack in the refrigerator.  I do not know quite how to describe it but you had to assemble the sandwich and then microwave it.  The package appeared to have the building blocks for three ham sandwiches and so I assembled one and then headed toward the microwave.  I decided to read the heating instructions on the side of the package and they read something like this…

Place sandwich in microwave and start oven.  Count like one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, etc until you reach forty-five Mississippi and then the sandwich will be done.

This seemed extremely odd to me (even in the dream) but I followed the instructions.  After I reached twelve-Mississippi I realized that the microwave door was open and the oven was still microwaving.  I was quite alarmed and no matter what I did to close the door it would not stay shut.  I then placed my focus on stopping the oven and no combination of buttons would shut it off.  Panicked, I finally unplugged the device from the wall and that was that.  I do remember making a mental note to google the effects of standing near a running microwave while it was running (by the way, I did this today and did not find any consistent answers).  After the microwave incident in my dream, I went upstairs to my old room and then the dream ended.

I told this dream to the family tonight (with slight embellishment and some theatrics to spice it up) and we all had a good laugh.  I can imagine the one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi becoming a running gag now though whenever we use the microwave.

OK, back to how the day went.  The son decided this morning that he and I would play some chess.  16 games of chess to be exact.  This equates to the number to games in the regular season of the NFL and is the reason for the number of games being 16 (he is really into pro football for some reason this year but did pick an exceedingly bad year to be a Cowboys fan).  He decided we would play 6 games today and 5 each the next two days.  We ended the day with me having 5 wins and 1 draw.  He had me beat in that drawn game but with a queen-king to king advantage he accidently stalemated me and thus the tie.  He was quite upset over this but this is one reason to play a losing game.  You never know what is going to happen (or what mistakes your opponent might make).  He usually beats me about 1/3 of the time so today was a good day for me.  I never play down to his level, ever.  Even when he was first playing chess (when he was 5 and asked me about the “other” pieces that came with our checker board), I never once “let” him win.  I probably won the first 1,000 games before (at age 6) he beat me for the first time.  He played competitively in tournaments until he was 9 or so and then lost interest.  He did get to be ranked in the top 100 for his age when he was 7 and 8 and was briefly the top player in Indiana for his age group.  I remember countless (endless) Saturdays at youth chess tournaments.  I recall hanging out with the other chess dads (who were all better than me I think).  We havn’t played much in the past year or so and it was fun to play against him again.  I will have to let you know how the last 10 games go.

Jon

A Thankful Blog

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning discussing the day ahead.  As today is Thanksgiving we are heading out to my mother’s-in-law house (wow that sounds funny and I much prefer mother-in-law’s and honestly I don’t know which is correct – but upon further review).  This is the normal thing we do on Thanksgiving but the gathering will have a few more people than normal.  Normally it is just the mother-in-law, the sister-in-law, the wife, the son, the daughter and me.  Every once in a while a friend will join us but the number is usually around 6 or 7.  This year we will be pushing a dozen and I don’t need to remind you, faithful reader, that I do not like crowds.

Anyway, as I said, we were discussing the day and I was (for the 33rd time) trying to convince her that I did not need to go.  She gave me “the look” again and told me that she knew that I would do the right thing.  I commented to her that “doing the right thing” really had nothing to do with it.  She then asked me to explain that statement.

“Imagine if you will a weight scale” I started.  She then became a little more interested and propped up on one elbow, settling in for my explanation.  I went on to tell her that on the two sides of the scale I measure the ramifications of each choice.  On the one side is an afternoon of suffering through the niceties of small talk with family members and acquaintances (con) with good food (pro) and the incessant request to take home leftovers (con) or return tomorrow for leftovers (con).  On the other side of the scale is an afternoon alone (pro) with the dogs (con) but having to live down for many Thanksgivings to come the choice not to come (major con).  When I contemplate this imaginary scale, I can see it tilting toward attending Thanksgiving today.  Thus, my decision is made.  “What about doing the right thing?  Where does that come in?”, she asked.  I then told her (as I patted her on the head) that the “right thing” only really comes in as the tie breaker.  This was met with “another look” and then silence.

So, as I write this blog, I am looking forward to / dreading Thanksgiving dinner in a few hours but I am thankful for at least one thing this Thanksgiving, blogging.  You see, this is my 500th blog since I started way back when with my first blog entry back in July of 2006.  I have mentioned multiple times before that blogging is very therapeutic.  It helps me to sort through my feelings and do one of the things I enjoy most, making people laugh.  So if you are a new reader or one that has been with me since the beginning, thank you for reading my blog (gracias por leer mi blog).

Jon

Behind The Curtain

One of the new TV shows that the wife and I are enjoying this year is “Better With You”.  For those of you not familiar with the show, it follows the lives of three couples.  The first couple have been together a very short time but are engaged and expecting their first child.  The second couple (which involves the sister of the woman in the first couple) have been together for many years but are not yet married.  The third couple is the parents of the women in the first two couples.

On a recent episode, the first couple are preparing to move in together and the other couples are giving them advice (the men advising the husband to be and the women the wife to be).  Since the first couple has not been together very long, the older sister warns her younger sister of looking “behind the curtain” of her fiancé's life and learning things she may not want to learn (bad habits, etc).  This is always good advice as during the honeymoon period of any relationship we are careful to guard this part of our lives and hide items “behind the curtain” (one thing the husband to be admit to is biting his toenails).

Yesterday morning I was near our bathroom sink as the wife was getting ready for the day.  She was applying deodorant to her underarms.  Now it is not that I was counting the strokes but after a period of time it seemed to me that an adequate amount was transferred however she was still applying.  I commented that, in my estimation, a sufficient coat of deodorant was delivered and an acceptable coating was achieved.  Of course this was met with “the look” but was followed with and explanation.  She said that she did not want to be the smelliest thing at work.

Now several things went through my head with (not the least interesting) one of them being that there was somehow a chart whereby the employees or perhaps the customers at her place of work actually rated things from least smelliest to most smelliest.  In the brief moment I entertained this thought I saw a sticker chart or maybe a small trophy (Least Smelliest Employee?) displayed where all could see.  After that left my mind I then began to consider the fact that my wife works at a pet store.  This means that (even if there were a contest of some sort) she would be competing with pet store smells.  Things like…

• Dogs (pets are welcome in the store)
• Dog owners (let’s face it, we live with animals, our standards are lower)
• Dog food (invariably there has to be an open bag somewhere)
• Birds and their cages
• Hamsters and their cages
• Other employees (I have met some of them, the wife could under-smell most of them on a bad [or would that be a good?] day)
• etc

I explained this concept to her and I was give another version (a little stronger this time) of “the look” and then the deodorant was placed back in the cabinet.

Anyway, one thing behind the wife’s curtain that I am just now discovering is the attention she gives to the smell factor even when the competition is low.  Of course one thing that the wife did not know was behind my curtain was my narcissistic need to tell the world about things such as these.

Jon

Despondent

I got “the question” last Tuesday.  The conversation started innocently enough, “Hey, what are you doing Saturday?”  The conversation took place at work via our internal instant messaging system.  Now, I had to tread carefully here.  Not only did I have to answer this open ended question carefully but my response needed to be timely as well.  I could not linger with my hands on the keyboard without them moving, entering my response.  After a few milliseconds (give or take) I knew that I did not have any other response other than “Nothing, why?”

The answer to that question came almost instantly, as if it were already written from the other end and the other party’s mouse pointer was poised on the SEND button with their finger on the clicker, eager to pull the trigger.  “I need you to help me move.”  Bang, the shot was fired, I could not dodge the bullet.  The conversation turned upbeat slightly “I’m buying lunch.”  I really had nothing planned (like most Saturdays) and I am not one to give up a free lunch so I agreed and my Saturday planner now had an entry.

The person who asked mentioned there would be other helpers as well but I was unsure if I would know any of them.  The person who is asking both works at the same company that I work at and attends the same church that I attend.  So, I did not know if it was “work Jon” or “church Jon” he was asking.  If it was “work Jon” then it was unlikely I would know my fellow movers as we work for different divisions of the company.  If it was “church Jon” then the odds went up a bit.  In the back of my head it didn’t really matter I guess as there was lunch (as in free) involved and I my male ego is stroked a bit whenever anyone asks for my help that involves my physical strength (as opposed to most of the times that I am asked to help which usually involves computers).

It turns out that he was not asking “church” or “work” Jon but rather “available this Saturday” Jon.  I arrived shortly after 10 AM (the scheduled start time) and met a non work, non church fellow mover.  After a few minutes another non work / church mover showed up.  There were an ample amount of donuts available (a non announced bonus feature) so that slowed down the start of the moving but gave me time to get to know my fellow workers.  Eventually some church friends showed up and we had a mighty crew ready to tackle the job at hand.

Now, to the topic of this blog, despondency.  We were only moving half the stuff in the house as the other half remained with his wife.  It was tough to remain upbeat based on the “why” of the need to move.  I know both the husband and wife and so this was hard (but more awkward than anything) for me.  It was the elephant in the room all day (in all the rooms of both locations – the from and the to).  Fortunately many hands made the work easier and even though we were at times left like Indians without a chief, we got the vehicles loaded and and unloaded pretty quickly.  Still though, we all knew the situation.

My parents ended their marriage when I was 11.  I don’t remember a lot about that time but I imagine now how hard it must have been on each of them.  As I recall, it was us (Mom, my younger brother and I) that moved as Dad stayed in the house initially.  It was exciting for me since we were in a new (to us) house that we were renting from a relative and all my stuff came with me.  Having to divide up my belongings as this couple had to do (with some decisions having to be handled on moving day, in front of us movers) is something I cannot fathom.  Even now as I look around my house I can’t think of what would be mine to take if I were ever in that situation.  It is not pleasant to think about.

This morning our pastor spoke about Psalm 88.  He said that it would likely be the only time in our life that we would see this as the passage in a sermon.  It is a truly depressing psalm.  It deals with the psalmist’s despondency and does not offer even a gleam of hope at the end of the psalm.  I appreciate a pastor that does not shy away from the tough passages.  His ultimate point was that it is ok (at times) to be despondent.  There are times in life when all is bleak and no religion’s followers are immune to it.  It is what it is and there is no need to deny it.  I am not saying that this is how this couple felt, I am simply saying that it is how I imagine myself feeling should I find myself in the same lot.

After the moving was complete (three trips back and forth) I did not feel much sense of accomplishment.  Everything was just in piles and boxes (or piles of boxes) and (other than the bed and a dresser or two) most things were not where they needed to be.  My work / church friend had a lot of work to do before the day was through in order to have some sense of normalcy in his apartment.  I will see him in the hallways at work.  I do not know if I will see him at church.  It will be awkward for a while as I am not one to know what to say and do in these situations.

Thinking back, my life has been great.  I have had a pretty good run of happiness.  I don’t have things that I can point to that were particularly difficult times in my life.  I cannot relate to those who are going through difficult times.  I do not have any thoughts from experience to share.  I guess I should just be quiet and help when needed, even if it is on a Saturday and even if a free lunch (or a donut) is not involved.

Jon

A Doberman Sundial

I do not have a desk at home so if I am working from home for my day job I tend to work from the kitchen table.  If I am facing my monitor (let’s call that 12 o’clock) then at about 10 o’clock I can see the back yard out the windows of our back doors.  At 3 o’clock I can see the living room and (through the picture window) the front yard.  One of the minor reasons I work from home is so the dogs don’t have to be in their cages for 7+ hours while the wife is away to work.  I wonder though as I watch them throughout the day if it really matters.  Other than a trip or two outside they pretty much just lay like slugs around the house.  This is probably what they would do in their cages I imagine.

While Oreo spends about 90% of his time on the couch, Nina mixes it up by laying all around the house.  Her places include the floor near my feet, her (open) cage, the kitchen and (depending on the location of the sun) various places in the living room.  Her position in the living room is very specific in that it is always in the sunlight.  She is so consistent that I can tell what time it is from her position, sort of like a Doberman sundial.

Above is the earliest time recorded on my living sundial.  This is about 8:30 am.  Technically she is in the hallway / entryway.  The sun heads from left to right until it reaches the the easternmost wall in the living room.

The above picture is around 1:30 pm and just out of the picture to the right is the bookshelf that is against the wall of the living room.  Once the sun is gone from the living room, Nina then randomly picks another spot to lay or goes outside to catch more sun in the back yard.  She did this in the heat of the summer when we lived in Texas and sometimes while she is in the back yard you can almost read her body language as saying, “What did y’all (she was born in Texas) do with the heat?”

I have a wired network connection ran to the back bedroom now and we are in the market for a desk to put back there so I can have a real place to work.  Once I move back there I will have to rely on the clock as my sundial will not be viewable from there.

Jon

Lady Gaga and Richard Wagner

My sister in law told my wife the other day that she heard that Lady Gaga was going to become a minister so she could perform same-sex marriages.  A little googling later and it turns out that this rumor does appear to have some validity to it.  We do not have cable or satellite TV pumped into our house so we tend to miss these important pieces of news that involve celebrities.  Our family’s knowledge of Lady Gaga is limited to the Glee cast covering a few of her songs and watching (without the kids present) a video or two of hers on YouTube (freaky stuff, in case you didn’t know).  Her tunes are catchy enough, you just can’t get the images of the videos out of your head.  Some things, once seen, cannot be un-seen.

Last night while waiting for the weekend to end, I was looking at one of my favorite websites, Woot!.  If you have never heard of Woot! then may I suggest you NOT click on the links that I have provided (don’t say I didn’t warn you when you become addicted to this site).  Specifically, I was looking at the Deals section of Woot! where there are a few, daily posted deals and then the Woot! community can post other deals they have found, make comments on other’s posted deals, etc.  This is sort of like a bulletin board for good deals.  Anyway, I saw a link where the Amazon mp3 store had “The 99 Darkest Pieces of Classical Music” on sale for $1.99.  This is 99 pieces of music totaling around 11 hours in play time.  I recognized a few of the titles (the wife has brought some appreciation of classical music to our marriage for which I am grateful) and I thought that $2 was not too bad of a deal.  Given my slow internet speed, it took several hours to download the entire collection but by this morning I had thrown all the songs in a playlist on our home theater PC and we were enjoying these “dark” pieces.

One of the songs early in the playlist (track 4 to be precise) is “The Valkyrie: Ride of the Valkyries” which was composed by Richard Wagner in 1851.  It is a very famous piece and even the 8 year old recognized it immediately (by sound, not by title).  The wife knew the title but did not know the composer so it was off to Wikipedia for more information.  I have noted in past blogs that I could lose hours on Wikipedia if not careful so I limited myself to the entry about this piece of music and the entry about Wagner himself.  Fascinating stuff really.  You can read the article (go ahead, I won’t mind) but the things that stood out to me were…

• While written in 1851, the piece was not performed until 1870 and even then it was against Wagner’s wishes
• Wagner spent 12 years in exile for his part in politics, namely being a supporter of socialist / leftist movements
• Wagner's published a notable essay: "The Art-Work of the Future" (1849), in which he described a vision of opera as a “total work of art", in which the various arts such as music, song, dance, poetry, visual arts, and stagecraft were unified
• In his lifetime, Wagner inspired fanatical devotion.  For a long period, many composers were inclined to align themselves with or against Wagner's music.

So Wagner was a popular musician (Gaga) that threw himself into the political issues of the day (Gaga) and who envisioned entertainment as a combination of song, dance, visual arts and stagecraft (Gaga).  I think we as Americans tend to brush off celebrities and their foray into politics as funny or cute but this is no new thing it seems.  I could probably take more time than this to research the history of musicians and politics but I am just too lazy for that, besides I have 11 hours of music to listen to.

Oh, one more thing.  I found a coupon code in the comments section of the Woot! deals site that, if used before 1 Nov, gave a $3 credit toward the Amazon mp3 store.  Since the 99 songs only cost $1.99 that left me with $1.01 left which I used to purchase one single song by (you guessed it) Lady Gaga.

Jon

Praying In The Foyer

Many months ago the wife travelled to a bar on the north side of Indianapolis to see a concert.  One of my favorite artists, Michael Roe, was doing a solo tour meandering across the country in support of his new CD.  Mike is the lead singer and main force behind The 77s, one of my favorite bands.  The name of the venue was Birdy’s Bar & Grill and after googling directions we were on our way.  After sitting through two solo artists open, Mike came out and did a great concert.  After the concert I headed over the the table where some of his CDs were for sale and bought Mike’s / The 77s’ last 4 releases.

The latest 77s’ release is called “Holy Ghost Building” and one of our favorite songs is called “I'm Working on a Building.”  We sing along to this CD on the way to church sometimes.  The song has a repetitive chorus and as such, we can easily alter the lyrics as needed.  I do this to a lot of songs, make up new lyrics on the spot to entertain the kids.  The daughter has picked up this habit as well and she is quite good at it.

Sunday mornings can be rushed at times.  It seems we are 1/2 caught in a Saturday, “lounge around the house” mood and 1/2 caught in a Monday, “let’s get ready to go” mood.  As such we often are running behind in getting out the door to head to church.  Since we started attending the early service at our church we need to be in the sanctuary and in our pews at 8:30.  The service starts on time and begins with a prayer from the pastor.  If we are a minute late, we need to mull around in the foyer waiting for the prayer to finish so we don’t interrupt the prayer.  So then (as you might have guessed) “I’m Working on a Building” become “I’m Prayin’ in the Foyer” with a whole song of lyrics devoted to running and being later for church (you can find a streaming version of the original song on The 77s’ MySpace page, our version is not yet available).

Well as I can see by the time on the clock, it is time to finish up here and head out the door so we are not late for church (aka prayin’ in the foyer).

Jon

If You Were Thing Of Robbing Us

I had a conversation with a co-worker the other day about my Doberman, Nina.  Let me set the scene first.  I work from home a few days a week.  The number of days in any given week revolve around the number of days the wife works and if something (say, a dishwasher) is being delivered.  On the day of this particular phone conversation I was at home.  I have a cordless phone / headset that I have had for a few years now (how I came about it is another story).  The kids (the son in particular) think it is really cool to walk around with the headset on while talking on the phone.  Because of this coolness factor, it gets used a lot, so much so that the headset stopped working very well (the speaker cuts in and out).  I shopped around for a replacement ($40-ish) and then thought of a plan B which involved re-using an old ear piece / microphone from the time when I had a cell phone.  This works pretty well but the microphone is more of a boom mike and picks up a lot of background noise (like say, dogs barking).  This occurred while on the phone with the aforementioned co-worker.

Nina, being a Doberman, has a rather menacing bark.  She means business and despite being a big baby at bedtime (the puppy dog eye looks we get every night crack us up) she can put the fear of God in you when her protective instinct kicks in (like say, when the neighbor is getting his mail).  For whatever reason, Nina was barking while I was on the phone.  The boom microphone picked it up.  The co-worker made a comment.  We talked a bit about Nina and he half joked that my valuables were quite safe with the dog on duty.  I made a comment that the dog WAS my valuables in that she WAS the most expensive thing I owned.  Here the conversation turned more serious.

This co-worker did not believe this claim and once we established the price of the dog ($400) he began to go down a list of things that I should own that were worth more than the amount of the dog.  I, in turn, refuted each item with either a reply of “I don’t own one of those” or “Mine only cost $x since I got it on sale / used.”  The list was quite long and he seemed quite determined to prove me wrong…

• Television - $299 on sale at Best Buy last Christmas
• Home Computer - $293 custom built by the son and I over the summer
• Jewelry – None to speak of per se
• Cash – Other than the (not quite completed) State Quarter collection and our change bowl (roughly $40 worth), none to speak of
• etc

After he was convinced (either that I had nothing of great value or that I was underestimating the value of my stuff) we moved on to the business at hand.  This did get me to thinking later though.  I really do not have anything worth stealing.  If a robber showed up, got into the house, and somehow subdued the Doberman they would be quite disappointed with the loot I have to steal.  I began thinking of things that are not normally stolen like furniture and still could not come up with anything greater than $400 other than our 5+ year old Tempur-Pedic mattress.  I am not sure that it still has a book value of $400 or more but it did cost more than $400 when we bought it.  Most of our furniture is used and the only thing we have recently purchased new was a $299 dishwasher.  So if you were thinking of robbing us, don’t waste your time.

If you still wanted to rob us, might I suggest bringing along a vacuum?  This is the one thing that the Doberman is afraid of.  For whatever reason she runs, cowers and visibly shakes whenever the vacuum is running.  She did not used to do this but lately it has this effect on her.  The wife has tried to overcome this by putting Nina on her leash and making her stay close while she vacuumed but this only results in a near injury as the Doberman is constantly trying to escape.  I try to comfort her and she will have none of it.  She is quite skittish for 30 minutes or so after the vacuuming is done and then she is back to her old, bark at the neighbor getting his mail, self.

Anyway, if you would like to steal our cheap stuff (or our mattress), bring a vacuum and give it shot.  Nina will be hiding under the dining room table (also not worth stealing).

Jon

I Am Not A Crook

I have mentioned many times over the summer blogs that we are (for all practical purposes) a single car family now.  As such, when I work from the office I do not have the possibility to drive anywhere on my lunch break.  If I do not bring my lunch with me then my options are limited to the 1 hour time window of my lunch break, the weather and my ability or desire to walk to a restaurant nearby.  The restaurants within the “walk zone” are…

• Panera Bread
• Rally’s
• Louie’s Coney Island
• Vending machines (technically not a restaurant I know but an often used option if the weather is not cooperative)

Other places I walk during my lunch hour include my favorite pawn shop (mentioned in many a blog) and the Kokomo Mall.  The mall is “in my way” when walking either to Panera or Rally’s.  Oftentimes I will walk through a store in the mall rather than walking around the entire mall.  If I am going from the pawn shop to Panera or Rally’s then the best store in the mall to walk through is Elder Beerman.

Yesterday I stopped by the pawn shop and picked up (2) DVDs and (5) CDs…

• Fat Albert (DVD)
• Rocky And Bullwinkle (DVD)
• Special Brew – A CD featuring remixes of artists like U2, Chemical Brothers, etc
• Heck On Wheels: Songs Suitable For In-Store Play – A CD featuring the “cleaner” (I am guessing) songs by groups like Ministry, Danzig, etc
• Teen Romance – An oldies CD featuring the songs Leader Of The Pack, My Boyfriend’s Back, etc
• Holiday In-Store Play Sampler ‘95 – A CD featuring artists like Michael Jackson, Tears For Fears, etc
• Ricky Martin – Featuring Livin La Vida Loca

In my defense, all of the CDs were $0.50 each and (further in my defense) I thought the daughter would like Ricky Martin.  Anyway, I was carrying these items in a plastic bag as I headed from the pawn shop to the Elder Beerman entrance.

As I walked into the west entrance of the store, an alarm went off.  Like most stores nowadays, there are theft prevention devices at all exits.  Something on my personage was causing the alarm to go off.  This happens often enough at the local Target as well so I am used to this happening.  I looked for the nearest employee for help on what to do.  The alarm stopped in a matter of seconds and no one seemed to be running toward me with weapons raised so I moved eastward to the exit that would lead me closer to Rally’s.  As I walked by the front entrance (not the exit I was going to use), the alarm went off again and again it was met by a phenomenal lack of in store response.

As I neared the east exit, I decided to find an employee so I could exit the store without being chased down for questioning.  In hindsight this might have been an unneeded exercise given the lackadaisical efforts that I had met thus far by the evidently non-existent theft prevention police.  However, I had a little time and it is better to be safe than sorry.  I could not locate anyone on the store floor so I got in line at the nearest register.  There were 2 lines and each appeared to have an older lady in the process of purchasing items (as I looked around the average age of the shoppers this time of day appeared to be in the lower 90’s).  I flipped a coin in my head and opted for the line closest to the exit.  Then I waited.

It turns out that the line that I did not choose had a lady returning some items.  I thought to myself that I had dodged a bullet in the waiting game especially after the lady then decided to repurchase of the returned items (she had a coupon) along with some additional items.  Also, she had 2 coupons that could not be used together and had the cashier do the math as to which coupon was the better to use for her items (as it turned out, both coupons [despite one being a $10 off and one being a 20% off] came to the same [to the penny] amount).  Now, I was able to see her entire check out process since my line also contained a lady performing multiple transactions which included (among other things) getting something out of layaway.  Ultimately it was about 10 minutes (I am guessing, time passes more slowly when near the elderly I think) before I was able to explain my situation to the cashier and ask for a way to exit the store.  They examined my bag and scanned it over their little device behind the counter.  Whatever that device does, it allowed me to exit the store without the alarm going off again and thus appearing like a crook.

In the future I think I will avoid that store all the same.  There are other stores that I can walk through or maybe I will just walk around the entire mall property for good measure.

Jon

Sore Loser

From time to time (mostly in the non-summer months) our church has what we call a “food contest”.  Mostly it is an excuse to get together, fellowship, and enjoy some great, homemade food.  Some of us take it more seriously though.  The wife and I met and married each other in a different church then the one we currently attend.  That church had a smaller congregation and while we were there we were rock stars when it came to food (compared to our fellow attendees).  Now there were other good cooks (ok, so I exaggerated our status a little) but we were definitely toward the top of the pack.

Flash forward to approximately 9 years ago, our daughter was just born and the new church we had just started attending had a committee that specialized in providing meals for new parents (or any family going through a crisis [funeral, illness, severe injury, etc]).  Night after night, delicious food was delivered to our door.  Piping hot and (as one former co-worker used to say) “smack yo mamma in the mouth” good food and the quantity was amazing.  There was so much food that we had to call off the committee and eat leftovers (which was fine by me).  While we enjoyed the food, the wife and I knew in the back of our minds then and there that we had moved up to the big leagues.

There are typically (3) categories for each food contest and they rotate over the years.  The pastor picks the categories and they are published well in advance in the church bulletin.  The first few food contests we entered with high hopes.  I seem to recall even entering a dish on my own (some sort of casserole that involved using White Castle burgers (buns and all).  Each contest had the same result in that someone other than us won.  Time and again we outdid ourselves with our entries (in our humble opinions) and each time our hopes of winning were dashed.  We did not even warrant an honorable mention.  After a few years we had had enough and the wife decided to become a food contest judge instead of entering entrees and I resigned myself to be a simple enjoyer of the food.  Still though, I ate and enjoyed it with a heavy heart.  I wanted to be a food contest winner.  We then moved to Texas and our food contests were only a (bittersweet) memory.  When we returned to Indiana, we resumed attending our old church and jumped back into the contests.  The results were still the same however, no wins for the Dieterman family.

Yesterday was to be different though.  We had another contest and the categories were

1. Pork and Pasta
2. Hot Veggies
3. Cheesecake

Bingo!  Cheesecake!  The wife makes a mean NY style cheesecake.  This was our chance, after (9) years of disappointment we would finally break through!  The wife went to the store, purchased the necessary ingredients and jumped into action late Saturday afternoon.  This is no small cheesecake, it is a monster requiring a lot of work.  Then there is the cracking.  You see, over the years the wife has only suffered only one bad mark on her cheesecakes, namely they crack.  They still taste as good but are not as ascetically pleasing.  This time the wife was not going to put up with any cracking.  She did some research and discovered a few methods that she had not tried yet.

The cheesecake came out of the oven perfect.  The cooling methods that she used worked to a charm and Sunday morning the top of the cake was smooth and inviting.  It was going to be a great day.  All those years of frustration, of clapping for the other winners with clinched teeth and jealousy would be behind us for this was our day.

We arrived at the church around 5 pm and delivered our entry to the judges…

Now that is a smile of a winner folks, brimming with confidence, already spending the $10 gift certificate that is the prize to the winner of each category.  Notice too that there are no cracks.  Once small pieces were cut from each entry for the judges to taste, the entries were placed on the desert table.

The cake at the top right was key lime cheesecake and worried me at first.  Sometimes the judges go for originality and it is not like we have many lime trees here in Indiana.  The bottom left entry also gave me cause for concern as the puff pastry pie shell could get originality points as well.  The cakes toward the right (the one covered with plastic wrap and the one covered with cherries were no match for the wife’s cake.  The other two entries toward the top did not concern me either.  A prayer was said, lines were formed and we all dug in to the main courses with careful planning to leave room for desert.

After most of the eating was done (though there were many return visits for small helpings of favorites all night long) the pastor called for quiet and held in his hand the names of the winners.  Now was our time, quiet please.  The pork and pasta winner was announced.  The winner deserved it, it was a great Asian style noodle dish with flavorings to match.  There were not many hot veggie entries but the winner was clear (and the veggies were from her own garden – which some said was cheating, but evidently not grounds for disqualification).  Then it was time for us to be announced as winners (ok, well at least the wife).  Drum roll please…and the winner of the cheesecake category is…

Those of you that pay attention to detail (or those of you that know my wife) are probably wondering why this woman (and not the wife) is accepting the prize for the cheesecake category.  Trust me, we are still wondering this even this morning.  I am not sure who she bribed or maybe has some dirt on but somehow a gross injustice was done and we were (once again) losers.

Notice how the wife is choking back the tears of disappointment with some laughter.  And I guess it is funny, I mean, the pathetic desire to win at least once.  Before the judges made their decision I did wander around them and suggest that we were may have to look for a new church should we not win, a church that perhaps did not have so many good cooks and bakers.  I even half hoped for a “Hoosiers” type moment in the voting where after the vote was announced, something caused everyone to revote.  This of course did not occur.  We limped home, leftover cheesecake in tow (that’s right, the church did not even finish it all off for us) and reassessed the situation and in the end we decided to stay with this church and try again next time.  But a word to the judges, we had BETTER win next time.

Jon

Are You Mocking Me

As I mentioned in a previous blog, the wife and I were shopping for a new dishwasher.  We had it delivered last Tuesday.  First things first though, since we opted out of the $109 installation fee (delivery was free) there was the matter of removing the old unit (hauling away of the old unit was also free)…

Now, according to my research, this should have been a simple process.  There are only (3) things to disconnect: the power, the drain and the hot water hose.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  Not so fast though, let’s remember who we are dealing with here (namely me) and nothing (I repeat, nothing) ever goes right when it comes to me and tools.  I was able to get the power cut to the dishwasher (the breaker box had a breaker labeled “dishwasher”).  The drain (which was supposed to be like the drain that came with the new unit) was this big, industrial strength, rubber hose.  The hot water (which was supposed to 1: be like the replacement hose that Lowe’s talked us into and 2: run through the cabinet to 3: the sink) was this copper tube that ran through the wall (like through the studs in the wall).  But, hey, 1 out of 3 ain’t bad.

As you can see from the above picture, I did get everything disconnected without causing any damage (ok, other than the incredibly painful pinching of my left thumb with some pliers when trying to get the hot water disconnected).  At any rate, I was at least prepared for the Lowe’s crew to come and deliver the new dishwasher and haul off the old one.  They arrived at 2 in the afternoon (which was between the promised noon and 5) and I at this point in time my evening was prescheduled for me.

Doesn’t it look nice there, fresh and still in some wrapping?  Full of possibilities, full of future happiness for the wife and family as it delivers clean and sanitized dishes to us?  This is where it pretty much stayed for 2 days while I attempted to make the connections that came with it to match up with the items coming out of the wall.  We washed dishes the old fashioned way (well I usually dried) and it just stayed there, mocking me.  It mocked my manhood.  Every time that I walked into the kitchen, it was there to remind me of how I had fallen short.  I could feel it looking at me, then my toolbox, then back at me as if to say, “Hey buddy, why don’t you give it another try?”  When I was not in the kitchen, my very sore thumb (the one that I pinched in the pliers) was there to rub salt into the wound for good measure.

I plotted plans B and C and then do what I usually do, called my mother and her boyfriend to rescue me.  I did this most recently when installing a chandelier over the dining room table after there were sparks shooting from the ceiling.  They are used to this kind of call from me (sad to say).  They arrived on Thursday and after 2 more trips to Lowe’s the dishwasher was in it’s rightful place…

This is not the end of the story however as there is still a slight leak where the dishwasher drain feeds into that large, black drain hose.  It drips about once per second the entire time the dishwasher is draining so I have a small container behind the unit for now that I empty every 3 or 4 cycles.  I tried tightening the clamp on it tonight (risking another injury with the pliers) and it did slow the leak down, but it did not stop it.  I imagine that it will take another rescue visit from the installers.  It does do a much better job on the dishes and the wife does seem genuinely happy and my thumb is almost healed.  Hopefully soon this will just be a memory.  Even as I type this blog entry though, I can hear a slight drip, mocking me from the kitchen.

Jon

The Mental Lifecycle Of Special Music

Every few months I am asked to sing a song during the main church service.  Typically the song takes place during the offering portion of the service which is after the normal, congregational singing and announcements but before the actual sermon.  The early service (which we have been attending of late) does not have an official offering portion or any place for special music so whenever I am singing, we have to flip around our normal Sunday routine and attend the main service.  There are less men than women who perform in our church (and based on the churches I have attended in my life this is the norm).  If you add the fact that I am a male (low pressure as people are just happy to have a male up there singing) and that the first half of any song sung during an offering is slightly interrupted by people passing the offering plate then you can quickly see that the amount of scrutiny put on my actual performance is quite low.  I think I prefer it this way.  Given this, it does make it particularly difficult to gain the full attention of the audience when you want to drive home the point of the song.

With the exception of the time we spent in Texas, I have sang every few months for the past 6 or 7 years.  I am not the type to get nervous when speaking or performing in front of people (the congregation runs anywhere from 100-200 depending) but there is a definite cycle of emotions that my mind goes through between the time I am asked / scheduled to sing and the time that the performance is completed.

1. Surprise (2 months to go):  I am always surprised when someone asks me to sing.  Growing up I was not much of a singer.  I finally got the courage to sing in the same church that I met my wife and even though I have done a few dozen songs I am still honored (and surprised) when asked.
2. Apprehension (6 weeks to go):  Now I have to find a song to sing.  I could (and have at times) taken the easy road and redone a song from my past but it always nice to have a new(er) song to do.  Not all the songs that I like have accompaniment (karaoke) tracks available so this part of the process could take a week or two.  I like to sing songs that have meaning for me and not just songs that are pleasing to the ear.  My last 2 songs involved being a husband and / or fatherhood (including a real tear jerker on Father’s Day).
3. Excitement (4 weeks to go):  Once I have a song selected, I am excited.  I practice the song 10 or so times and see if I can hit all the notes (or at least most of them).  I am busy changing a note or two so that it matches my voice and focusing on the meaning of the song.  I even think about how I might introduce the song to the congregation before I start.
4. Comfort (2 weeks to go):  After about 30 run throughs, I get very comfortable with my song choice.  I know the troublesome parts of the songs (this particular note or this key change) and feel confident that I can work through them.
5. Panic (1 week to go):  With about a week to go, I still have a troubling portion or 2 of the song.  I know that I am pot committed at this time though having shared the song title with the service planner and with the person who lays out the weekly printed bulletin and mid week email message about the upcoming service.  After 50 run throughs of the song, I have to go with what I got.
6. Calm: (3 days to go):  The mid week email message outlining the upcoming service is out and my name is one it (it is always nice to see your name).  I have made my peace with the shortcomings of my voice as it relates to my song choice.  I know that no matter what, it will all be over soon.  Also I comfort myself knowing that no song, no matter how poorly sung, has ever been met with utter silence at any church I have ever attended.  There is always the pity clap that lasts long enough for the singer to bolt off of the stage and get lost in the pews.
7. Excitement Part 2 (2 hours to go):  I skip Sunday school to help set up the microphone and speaker for the section of the stage where I will be located for the song.  I get to interact with the sound guy and get the levels of the mike set up to my liking and get to hear myself on the big speakers.  The other musicians that will be leading the song service are coming in and setting up and they are always fun to talk to.  These guys are professionals compared to me so it is fun to pretend to be a musician for an hour or so.
8. Calm Part 2 (2 minutes to go):  If I am doing my song during the offering, I sneak up during the pastor’s prayer.  This always seem sacrilegious to me growing up.  All of us would close our eyes to a mostly empty stage and when we said the amen, there were several folks who obviously were NOT praying but setting up for the next song.  Now I get to be one of those people.
9. Confidence (the music starts):  As I mentioned earlier, I do not get nervous in front of a crowd.  Also, if I have selected a song with meaning to me then no matter the quality of the performance I can still get the message of the song through by simply not getting in the way of it.  Some performances are better than others but I always try to focus on the message.
10. Anticipation and Relief (the music ends):  It is always cool to have someone come up to you during greeting time or after service and explain how the song related to them.  Just having one person do this makes the hours and hours of prep time entirely worth it.  There is also the feeling that you are done with this task that you started 2 months ago.

This past Sunday I sang “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real.  It is a very touching song about the responsibility of being a husband and father and how we as men are truly powerless at times (without help) to lead our families as they look up to us to do just that.  I had many people come up after the service (a record number for me) to thank me for singing.  This past week was definitely a highlight in my singing “career”.  I have no idea when I will be singing next or what the song will be but I know it will follow the above outlined pattern.  It always does.

Jon

Brownie Points

A few weeks back, unbeknownst to me, the wife signed us up to be chaperones for an all day event for the Kokomo Children’s Choir.  The event lasted from 9 am until 4 pm but did entail about an hour’s drive each way making this into a 9 hour commitment.  The event was hosted by The Bach Chorale Singers and culminated in an hour long concert.  There were several other children’s choirs that were invited including a choir from Anderson (which had the longer trip between us and them).

We met at 7:30 at a church close to our house and though we could fit 4 more in the van, only one child needed a ride.  In all, 18 kids attended from our choir.  I know it was 18 as I spent the better part of my day as a chaperone counting to 18 to make sure we did not lose anybody.  Only 2 of the 18 were boys and they were solely my responsibility.  The kids practiced the songs they were going to perform as a large group (all the choirs combined) from 9 until 10.  Then from 10 to 11 they had a combination snack time and rehearsal time (when they could rehearse the songs that they would do only with their local choir).  From 11 to 12 they got to learn some dances from various cultures like Russia and Israel.  That seemed to be the most fun part and I wish I could have joined in.  The daughter looked like she was having a great time.

One thing that was available to the choir directors, their staff and to us chaperones was the hospitality room that had goodies from Panera Bread in the morning including bagels, cream cheese, coffee, juice, fruit and some donuts (not from Panera).  One donut caught my eye…

Sorry for the blurry picture.  Evidently the camera wanted to focus on a different donut.  This is a normal donut with Bavarian cream in the middle, chocolate icing and then topped with chocolate (M&M like) candies.  I don’t even think it is legal to serve M&M’s on donuts in Howard country so I grabbed the 1/2 that was left of this one and enjoyed it.

At 12 we broke for lunch.  The kids all brought a sack lunch and due to the nice weather we were able to head outside to eat.  The hospitality room had sandwiches so the wife and I grabbed one and some chips and water and headed out with the kids.  I was so concerned about counting to 18 that I did not see that some parents dropped off a new kid (evidently he had a ball game that morning).  So imagine my dismay when my count and recount totaled 19 instead of 18.  It is one thing to lose a kid (my fear) but to gain one, that did not enter my mind.  Fortunately for me, the extra kid was a boy and I was able to figure out why it was not all adding up.

From 1 to 2:30 it was back to group practice and the choir director released us from our duties for an hour or so.  The wife and I walked outside the school and found a local mini-mart and bought a coke and just hung out.  At 3 the concert was set to begin and our group was on 3rd.

I did not get a chance to go into the packed audience (seating I would estimate at 600 – 800 seats) so this is from the sidelines.  Once the other choirs all performed it was time for all the kids to sing…

Can you see my daughter?  No?  Well neither could I.  The director was great with the kids during rehearsals and you could tell he really knew how to get the most out of them.  He was just the right combination of quirky and serious.

We were not needed to drive any of the kids home as most of their parent came for the concert even though our group made up the smallest percentage of kids.  I got to hang out with the wife all day, had a free lunch and an awesome donut and (the best part) earn serious husband / father brownie points.  All in all, not a bad day.

Jon

Half As Quiet

I have mentioned multiple times recently that the wife is working part time and the money that she earns from that job is going towards projects around the house.  The project list is long and items on it jostle for position.  I try to keep track of what’s next but honestly I could not tell you what is on the top of the list at this time.  I can tell you that toward the top of the list though is a new dishwasher.

The dishwasher we currently use came with the house and is getting up there in years.  One thing the wife has never liked about it is that there are only sprayers on the bottom of the unit whereas most newer models have an extra sprayer for the top rack.  She often corrects my loading of the dishwasher as I put items on the bottom that would inhibit the items on the top layer getting as clean as the need to be.  Anyway, we are in the market for a new dishwasher.

The son was staying with the mother-in-law last night so the wife, daughter and I headed to Lowe’s to check out the dishwashers.  Lowe’s has about 20 floor models with quite a range in price.  The floor models are set up by price and one row has the lower cost models while the row next to it has the high end ones.  We (of course) were in the low cost row looking for a comparable model that would be in the budget.  In the next row was an older couple and the Lowe’s employee assigned to this area of the store.  The older man had the Lowe’s guy move the unit into the middle of the aisle so he could measure it.  The wife and I felt a little unprepared when our whole plan (I guess) was to eyeball whether or not a unit would fit under our counter.

Anyway, while the old man was measuring, the old lady was asking questions.  One question revolved around the volume of noise this particular dishwasher put out.  The Lowe’s dude replied that this unit was only at 57 decibels when running.  From what I remember of my common sounds, that seemed to be pretty quiet.  He (the Lowe’s dude) then added that this amount of sound (57 db) was half as quiet as normal conversation.  This bothered me on two levels.

First of all, normal human conversation is around 50 db so unless the decibel scale is like the earthquake scale (with orders of magnitude), there is no real way that 57 was 1/2 of 50.  Even background chatter at places like restaurants is 60 db.  I think this guy needs to read the brochure again.  The second thing that bothered me was his choice of comparative words.  What does “half as quiet” even mean?  Did he mean half as loud perhaps?  Either way, the math did not work out.

I have heard people use these kind of comparisons before.  Examples like “twice as broke”, “half as ugly”, “half as cold”, etc, come to mind.  Using the opposite end of the spectrum when comparing should make you think twice before believing the person using this language (this is kin to wondering if thaw and unthaw are antonyms or synonyms).

In the end, we did not buy a dishwasher.  It is not that we were doing this as a reaction to the salesman’s poor skills but that we were just not ready to pull the trigger yet.  The models in OUR row (the low cost models) did not really use decibel levels on their sales brochures anyway and used phrases that were trying to convince us that they just worked, not worked quietly.  They might as well add, “unit can be heard throughout the house, just so you know it is working” to the bullet points.

Jon

Like Father, Like Son

3 weeks ago I wrote a blog about my abandoning the NFL for this season.  So far so good.  I did overhear in a conversation that the Indianapolis Colts lost on a last second field goal last week so I have at least saved myself the immediate gut wrenching feeling and successive minor depression for a day or two.  I have also gained about 12 hours of my life from not watching the first (4) weeks of games.

This is not the case for my son who (for the first time) has a sudden interest in football.  I don’t just mean that he likes to watch it (he is a Dallas Cowboys fan).  He is enjoying playing at recess at school and hardly a night has gone by that he has not begged me to go outside and toss the pigskin with him.  Initially he threw the ball pretty good but was not great at catching.  He was basically afraid of the ball like a lot of kids are but nightly practice, my goading him on, and (most importantly) peer pressure have got him to be more aggressive.  I try to explain to him that the game is a lot more than throwing and / or catching.  I point out that the quarterback (which he thinks he wants to be) has to know all the receiver’s routes and be ready to watch the entire field and (in most cases) get a pass off in 3 seconds or risk being pummeled by huge men who wish to do him harm.  He then (of course) asked me to teach him how to do all that and was a little saddened that I did not know how.

When I played football at his age (also only at recess) I was mainly a receiver.  With my height advantage I just needed the pass to be high in the air and I could out jump my defender.  I threw a baseball (and thus a football) side armed and that was definitely not an advantage so I was seldom the quarterback.  I do remember having a lot of fun though.

Another thing I am trying to teach him is comedy.  My forte is sarcasm (which he cannot quite grasp) but he thinks he has what it takes to be a stand up comedian.  Or at least to memorize other comedian’s stand up routines enough to make others laugh.  He is busily working on his timing and facial expressions along with memorizing a few Jim Gaffigan routines.  I have cleaned up a line or two here and there and suggested alternative words that are more appropriate for a 12 year old.  He never realized how much hard work is involved.

Our church is having one of their famous “talent” nights this coming Sunday and he is seriously considering signing up and trying out his new found skills.  He has a 4 minute routine on cake and another 4 minute one on holiday traditions (with fruit cake as the natural segue [another thing I taught him]).  I am trying to talk wife to playing the song “Rainbow Connection” while I sing along and then I might attempt another song (a cappella) but I have not finalized my plans.  I half expect the son to bow out and not go through with it.  I will have to keep you posted.  I am not sure if I want him to succeed or fail as it has been quite annoying to hear the same routine over and over again for weeks on end.  I wonder if other comedian’s fathers felt this way?

Jon

Nickel Please

There are (2) magic words that work wonders whenever we are checking out with the cashier at a store that offers their own store credit card.  Those (2) words are “Dave Ramsey”.  If you are not familiar with Dave, he promotes Financial Peace University which is offered (among other places) at local churches everywhere.  He is a big fan of paying cash for everything and is very much against credit cards of any kind.  Debt of any kind is the enemy.  We follow his plan to an extent and the last time I owned or used a credit card was when I rented the U-Haul to move back to Indiana (so, approximately 19 months).  We each have a debit card tied to our joint checking account and other than our mortgage we have no debt (both cars are paid for, etc).  We are chipping away at our 15 year mortgage little by little.

One way we are doing this is by charging our children a nickel for bad behavior.  Any infraction of house rules has the same charge more or less, a single nickel.  The violations range from forgetting to put away the dishes (a daily chore) to leaving clothes on the floor to inappropriate conversation at the dinner table.  Each child has a file on the desktop of our main computer so we can keep track of the money owed.  Once a child has reached $1.00 in fines, they have to pay at which time we delete the list of trespasses.  Here is the current file for the son…

$0.65 - 09/30/10  6:28 PM - Inappropriate dinner conversation
$0.60 - 09/30/10  8:15 AM - Left laptop in living room after bedtime
$0.55 - 09/30/10  7:00 AM - Did not put dirty plate in sink
$0.50 - 09/28/10  8:30 PM - Left laptop in living room after bedtime
$0.45 - 09/28/10  7:00 PM - Did not put school uniform in laundry
$0.40 - 09/27/10  8:30 PM - Did not put away clothes
$0.35 - 09/21/10  7:05 PM - Left shoes in living room
$0.30 - 09/21/10  7:02 PM - Tipping back chair at dinner table
$0.25 - 09/21/10  7:01 PM - Tipping back chair at dinner table
$0.20 - 09/21/10  6:55 PM - Tipping back chair at dinner table
$0.15 - 09/19/10 12:01 PM - Did not make bed
$0.10 - 09/19/10 10:30 AM - Writing on his arm with ink pen ($0.05 per word)

As you can see we mark the date, time and description so there is no argument.  Note that there were (3) consecutive “tipping of the chair” infractions.  We just started this a month or so ago and each child has had to pay $1.  I take the $1 and immediately put it in the change jar.  The money in that jar (once it reaches a big enough pile) is placed directly on the mortgage.  So in a way, we are paying off our house with our kid’s poor behavior.

Now you might think that $0.05 is not a lot of money.  To that I would say that 1) it really adds up and 2) my kids are greedy (to an extent).  Currently this amount is enough to deter the continuing of the behavior (which as you can tell with the chair tipping) would result in more nickel penalties.  The current record so far is (4) straight penalties.  I suppose when it becomes obvious that the amount is too small then we can increase it to a dime.  Also, since I have a financial gain to any bad behavior, I can point this out if the child is doing something to upset me.  The son especially does not like owing me money so our policy of not letting him pay off his “debt” until it reaches $1 discourages bad behavior as well.  All in all this plan is working as you can see from the example above that there is only (1) infraction per day on average over the last (2) weeks.

Well the kids are in bed and I just noticed that the daughter left her stuffed animals in the dining room (she has been reminded to put them up before going to bed) so I need to add this to her file.

Jon

A Christmas Branch

We have not had a Christmas tree in several years, well not one that met the minimum standards of the wife and kids.  During our first Christmas in Texas (2006), we lived in a second floor apartment.  We did not have a tree for Christmas.  We put the presents in a pile by the couch if I remember correctly.  I don’t even think we wrapped most of them.  It was our first Christmas without a big family gathering though my cousin and (then) fiancé came over for Christmas breakfast.  The day after Christmas, my mother arrived from Indiana and brought us a 3’ tall Christmas tree that she purchased on clearance at a Cracker Barrel restaurant on the way down.  It had Christmas lights built into it and came apart in (2) pieces for easy storage.

By 2007 we had moved into a house that we were leasing.  We re-used the 3’ Christmas tree but still stacked the presents up near the couch (there was not much room under that small of a tree).  I think we tried to repeat this same set up in 2008 (we were still in the same leased house) but by that time we had either lost the little tree or it was broken.  The next Christmas (2009) had us back in Indiana again and in a house that we purchased but we still did not put up a tree.

Previous to 2006 we had always had a tree (even before our children were born).  Early in our marriage (when we lived in a house with tall ceilings) we bought a 9’ real tree and put it in the front entry way.  I remember that I had to climb up the stairway to decorate the top 1/3 of it.  We bought an artificial tree after that and drug it out year after year.  So, our current draught of Christmas trees is (4) years as we decided not to pack the tree in the moving van on our way to Texas.

If I had my way, we would continue this glorious run of no Christmas trees.  As you can probably tell, I am no big fan of Christmas trees.  They are a pain to put up, a pain to decorate, a pain to maintain (e.g. keep the pets off them) and a pain to take down and put away (a sad reminder that the Christmas season is gone).  I am no Scrooge, I just don’t get into Christmas trees.  The wife and kids have (unsuccessfully) lobbied for a tree each of the last (4) years.  They use the same bullet points each year (evidently using the “let’s wear Daddy down” technique).  This year they are starting early (last week) but they appear that they do not have anything new to bring to the table for their side of the argument.

As I was thinking about this recently, I remembered a made for TV, Christmas special called “Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas” that I watched over and over when I was young.  I seem to recall it being on HBO quite a lot so there were opportunities to watch it 10+ times each year.  I even found a copy on DVD at the local library a few years back and made the kids watch it (they were not impressed).  Anyway, the reason I remember this show is that Emmet Otter and his mother (Ma Otter) did not have a Christmas tree.  Apparently Emmit’s father (who evidently had died some years earlier) always meant to go out and cut down a Christmas tree each year but instead always returned with only a branch, a Christmas branch.  He just could not bring himself to kill a tree in honor of the holiday.  I like this idea.  I like this idea a lot.

I offered this concept to the wife as a compromise.  We have plenty of evergreen trees on our property and we could even make it a family tradition.  She was cold to the idea initially and still is.  However, if I use their technique against them (the “wear them down” technique) I might be successful.  I have high hopes.  There is still plenty of time for more arguments to be made, more appeals to tradition, more sad and pitiful children’s eyes looking up at me begging.  I will have to be strong.

I will keep you posted and share pictures of either our tree or our branch (hopefully our Christmas branch).

Jon

The Least I Can Do

The wife came home from work yesterday in a pretty good mood.  She had just came from the chiropractor’s office for her bi-weekly visit (that’s every 2 weeks, not twice a week) as her appointment was right after work.  She was a little more affectionate than normal towards me (not that she is normally not affectionate).  A extra touch on the shoulder here, an extra hug there, etc.  This usually only means one thing, namely she dealt with or spoke to a woman during the day whose husband did or said something wrong.

Over the years I have been the benefactor of other bad husband’s actions.  This is great for me as I don’t even have to to anything to appear above standard (husband-wise) but reap the benefits of this status anyway.  I have to endure the “story” of a husband’s or boyfriend’s actions and of course appear sympathetic but that is all that is required of me.  Other than that, I only need to maintain the normal husband behavior.

It is particularly good for me if one of the wife’s friends are the ones having the husband issues.  The updates on the behavior(s) are more frequent and thus I look all the better for it.  Over the years she has had several friends who have had husbands that do not live up to the husbandly standard.  The infractions could be husbandly or fatherly (not being a good father to their child / children).  Evidently I also meet the standard for fatherly duties so compared to these other, substandard fathers I compare favorably.  Again, as a father I just do what comes naturally, no more or no less.

I would like to tell you that I try very hard to be a good husband / father but honestly I really do the least of what is required of me with an occasional over the top performance (you know, to break the monotony).  My standards are based on some unknown list of requirements that I must have picked up from somewhere over the years.  I mean, there are the socially agreed upon minimum requirements of course: provide for the family, etc, but beyond that I don’t do much else.  But I do look pretty good compared to those who don’t even do the minimum.

In a few weeks I am scheduled to sing a special song in church service.  I chose a song that talks about what wives and children expect of their husband / father and the singer’s admitted short comings in those areas.  Ultimately he realizes he will need help from elsewhere (in this song, God) to know what to do.  It is a very emotional song for me so I hope I can get through it.  This song helps to remind me that I just cannot run on autopilot most of the time but really do need to realize that there are those that look up to me and depend on me daily to be the leader.  I hope I can remember that.

http://www.sanctusreal.com/ – you can hear the song and watch the video / story behind the song at the band’s website

Jon

Can’t Undo

The wife went to the grocery store the other day (actually it was Tuesday).  Tuesday is the normal grocery day.  It is also the day we pick up our milk at the dairy farm (our assigned pick up day).  Invariably she will ask me if I need anything while she is shopping.  I rarely think of anything (in time) to tell her but even when I do, there are not good odds that it will be remembered (at least not the first time I ask).  I tend to ask for bathroom products like shampoo, deodorant or shaving cream.  Last week I asked for cotton swaps (Q-tips) but did not get them.  I was forced to dig around the bathroom cupboard for q-tips that had fell out of the container and settled on the shelves.  A new box was purchased but it was touch and go as the next grocery day approached as I had to look harder and harder each day.

This week I asked for (and did not receive) toothpaste.  I could head up front to the kid’s bathroom and borrow some of theirs but I am a little concerned that it might not be hygienically wise to do so.  My only other choice was to try to squeeze more toothpaste out of our near empty container.  I forget the name of the brand we currently use but the tube is quite hard and difficult to roll up to free up the last of the liquid inside.  I worked at it for a few minutes with little progress until the last turn produced toothpaste.  Too much toothpaste actually and I ended up with a large glob on the end of my tooth brush.  Anyone who has tried can tell you that you cannot put toothpaste back in the container.  You just can’t undo this, sort of like cutting your fingernails too short.  Now by “large glob” I mean the normal amount that they show in the toothpaste commercials on TV.

Sorry for the small picture size but I didn’t take a picture of my toothbrush this morning nor did I spend a lot of time with Senor Google searching for a comparable picture.  I was always amazed at the amount of product placed on the toothbrush in those commercials.  Does anyone use this much toothpaste really?  It seems like overkill.  Your mouth would foam up and you would look like a rabid dog after a little scrubbing.  Well today, not wanting to waste anything, I actually used this much toothpaste.  At first it felt odd, like I had taken a bite of some bad dessert.  Then the foaming began.  My mouth could not contain the foam as it rapidly multiplied in my mouth.  I pressed on though hitting the back teeth scrubbing away (and producing even more foam).  My foam creating kept going as I made another pass around the 27 teeth I have left (4 were pulled when I was younger right before I got braces and 1 was pulled a few years ago as it was a back tooth and was cheaper than getting a cap).  Anyway, it finally ended and my teeth were no more clean than normal brushing usually produces.  I am hopeful that the wife will remember toothpaste soon so this incident is not reproduced.

Jon

No Boxed Dinners

A long standing joke between the wife and I while we are shopping is for me to throw a box of Hamburger Helper in the cart.  This is usually met with “The Look” (married guys, you know what I mean) and then followed by me putting the box back on the shelf (quickly).  Early in our marriage (and even when we were dating), we went through many a hamburger helper box.  I seem to recall that being a positive for the argument to marry me (that I could cook, a little).  Since we became more educated about nutrition, items like hamburger helper started to be weeded out of our diet.  Some of my favorite flavors were Potato Stroganoff, Cheeseburger Macaroni, and Zesty Italian.  We probably tried them all at one time or another I imagine.  But that life (and culinary pleasure) is a distant memory for me since our ecu-ma-cation about nutrition.

You would be hard pressed to look in our cupboards and find even a can (let alone a box) of anything.  All our vegetables are either fresh or frozen.  If we make any meal, it is usually from the ground up, nothing pre-packaged.  Even cheese has to come in block form and we either slice it or shred it as needed…

This is the lunch I made for the daughter last Saturday.  I got this grilled cheese just right (according to her) which entailed the correct thickness of cheese slice and the correct amount of butter on the outside of the bread and the correct temperature for the pan / duration of grilling time per side.  The “ants on a log” took some prep time as well (using all natural peanut butter).  These raisons DO come from a can but I am not sure if you can get them in anything other than a can or box.  Even the tea is freshly brewed (not instant) and lightly sweetened with raw sugar.  Up until just recently (before the wife started working part time) we even made most if not all of the bread that we ate (sigh, honey, please, can you get the bread machine back down and teach me how to use it?).

We have big plans next year to expand our gardening.  This year we just planted a few things, to see if we could do it.  I have blogged in the past about some of the things we pulled from the garden but next year will make this year’s produce look pretty paltry.  We have dreams of canning and / or freezing items for the winter like many other people do.  It seems we are just throwing away money at the grocery store due to our ignorance or lack of effort in gardening / canning.  I know my grandmother used to can items as I remember watching her and her daughters do it one summer and I could always go to the basement and see rows and rows of green beans, etc, on the shelves.  She even had a bumper crop of raspberry bushes one year and made (17) raspberry pies (which, by the way, I was sick of around number 10 or so).  Anyway, we have big plans for next year.

Well the wife and daughter are about home from gymnastics so I had better get dinner started.

Jon