Praying In The Foyer

Many months ago the wife travelled to a bar on the north side of Indianapolis to see a concert.  One of my favorite artists, Michael Roe, was doing a solo tour meandering across the country in support of his new CD.  Mike is the lead singer and main force behind The 77s, one of my favorite bands.  The name of the venue was Birdy’s Bar & Grill and after googling directions we were on our way.  After sitting through two solo artists open, Mike came out and did a great concert.  After the concert I headed over the the table where some of his CDs were for sale and bought Mike’s / The 77s’ last 4 releases.

The latest 77s’ release is called “Holy Ghost Building” and one of our favorite songs is called “I'm Working on a Building.”  We sing along to this CD on the way to church sometimes.  The song has a repetitive chorus and as such, we can easily alter the lyrics as needed.  I do this to a lot of songs, make up new lyrics on the spot to entertain the kids.  The daughter has picked up this habit as well and she is quite good at it.

Sunday mornings can be rushed at times.  It seems we are 1/2 caught in a Saturday, “lounge around the house” mood and 1/2 caught in a Monday, “let’s get ready to go” mood.  As such we often are running behind in getting out the door to head to church.  Since we started attending the early service at our church we need to be in the sanctuary and in our pews at 8:30.  The service starts on time and begins with a prayer from the pastor.  If we are a minute late, we need to mull around in the foyer waiting for the prayer to finish so we don’t interrupt the prayer.  So then (as you might have guessed) “I’m Working on a Building” become “I’m Prayin’ in the Foyer” with a whole song of lyrics devoted to running and being later for church (you can find a streaming version of the original song on The 77s’ MySpace page, our version is not yet available).

Well as I can see by the time on the clock, it is time to finish up here and head out the door so we are not late for church (aka prayin’ in the foyer).

Jon

If You Were Thing Of Robbing Us

I had a conversation with a co-worker the other day about my Doberman, Nina.  Let me set the scene first.  I work from home a few days a week.  The number of days in any given week revolve around the number of days the wife works and if something (say, a dishwasher) is being delivered.  On the day of this particular phone conversation I was at home.  I have a cordless phone / headset that I have had for a few years now (how I came about it is another story).  The kids (the son in particular) think it is really cool to walk around with the headset on while talking on the phone.  Because of this coolness factor, it gets used a lot, so much so that the headset stopped working very well (the speaker cuts in and out).  I shopped around for a replacement ($40-ish) and then thought of a plan B which involved re-using an old ear piece / microphone from the time when I had a cell phone.  This works pretty well but the microphone is more of a boom mike and picks up a lot of background noise (like say, dogs barking).  This occurred while on the phone with the aforementioned co-worker.

Nina, being a Doberman, has a rather menacing bark.  She means business and despite being a big baby at bedtime (the puppy dog eye looks we get every night crack us up) she can put the fear of God in you when her protective instinct kicks in (like say, when the neighbor is getting his mail).  For whatever reason, Nina was barking while I was on the phone.  The boom microphone picked it up.  The co-worker made a comment.  We talked a bit about Nina and he half joked that my valuables were quite safe with the dog on duty.  I made a comment that the dog WAS my valuables in that she WAS the most expensive thing I owned.  Here the conversation turned more serious.

This co-worker did not believe this claim and once we established the price of the dog ($400) he began to go down a list of things that I should own that were worth more than the amount of the dog.  I, in turn, refuted each item with either a reply of “I don’t own one of those” or “Mine only cost $x since I got it on sale / used.”  The list was quite long and he seemed quite determined to prove me wrong…

• Television - $299 on sale at Best Buy last Christmas
• Home Computer - $293 custom built by the son and I over the summer
• Jewelry – None to speak of per se
• Cash – Other than the (not quite completed) State Quarter collection and our change bowl (roughly $40 worth), none to speak of
• etc

After he was convinced (either that I had nothing of great value or that I was underestimating the value of my stuff) we moved on to the business at hand.  This did get me to thinking later though.  I really do not have anything worth stealing.  If a robber showed up, got into the house, and somehow subdued the Doberman they would be quite disappointed with the loot I have to steal.  I began thinking of things that are not normally stolen like furniture and still could not come up with anything greater than $400 other than our 5+ year old Tempur-Pedic mattress.  I am not sure that it still has a book value of $400 or more but it did cost more than $400 when we bought it.  Most of our furniture is used and the only thing we have recently purchased new was a $299 dishwasher.  So if you were thinking of robbing us, don’t waste your time.

If you still wanted to rob us, might I suggest bringing along a vacuum?  This is the one thing that the Doberman is afraid of.  For whatever reason she runs, cowers and visibly shakes whenever the vacuum is running.  She did not used to do this but lately it has this effect on her.  The wife has tried to overcome this by putting Nina on her leash and making her stay close while she vacuumed but this only results in a near injury as the Doberman is constantly trying to escape.  I try to comfort her and she will have none of it.  She is quite skittish for 30 minutes or so after the vacuuming is done and then she is back to her old, bark at the neighbor getting his mail, self.

Anyway, if you would like to steal our cheap stuff (or our mattress), bring a vacuum and give it shot.  Nina will be hiding under the dining room table (also not worth stealing).

Jon

I Am Not A Crook

I have mentioned many times over the summer blogs that we are (for all practical purposes) a single car family now.  As such, when I work from the office I do not have the possibility to drive anywhere on my lunch break.  If I do not bring my lunch with me then my options are limited to the 1 hour time window of my lunch break, the weather and my ability or desire to walk to a restaurant nearby.  The restaurants within the “walk zone” are…

• Panera Bread
• Rally’s
• Louie’s Coney Island
• Vending machines (technically not a restaurant I know but an often used option if the weather is not cooperative)

Other places I walk during my lunch hour include my favorite pawn shop (mentioned in many a blog) and the Kokomo Mall.  The mall is “in my way” when walking either to Panera or Rally’s.  Oftentimes I will walk through a store in the mall rather than walking around the entire mall.  If I am going from the pawn shop to Panera or Rally’s then the best store in the mall to walk through is Elder Beerman.

Yesterday I stopped by the pawn shop and picked up (2) DVDs and (5) CDs…

• Fat Albert (DVD)
• Rocky And Bullwinkle (DVD)
• Special Brew – A CD featuring remixes of artists like U2, Chemical Brothers, etc
• Heck On Wheels: Songs Suitable For In-Store Play – A CD featuring the “cleaner” (I am guessing) songs by groups like Ministry, Danzig, etc
• Teen Romance – An oldies CD featuring the songs Leader Of The Pack, My Boyfriend’s Back, etc
• Holiday In-Store Play Sampler ‘95 – A CD featuring artists like Michael Jackson, Tears For Fears, etc
• Ricky Martin – Featuring Livin La Vida Loca

In my defense, all of the CDs were $0.50 each and (further in my defense) I thought the daughter would like Ricky Martin.  Anyway, I was carrying these items in a plastic bag as I headed from the pawn shop to the Elder Beerman entrance.

As I walked into the west entrance of the store, an alarm went off.  Like most stores nowadays, there are theft prevention devices at all exits.  Something on my personage was causing the alarm to go off.  This happens often enough at the local Target as well so I am used to this happening.  I looked for the nearest employee for help on what to do.  The alarm stopped in a matter of seconds and no one seemed to be running toward me with weapons raised so I moved eastward to the exit that would lead me closer to Rally’s.  As I walked by the front entrance (not the exit I was going to use), the alarm went off again and again it was met by a phenomenal lack of in store response.

As I neared the east exit, I decided to find an employee so I could exit the store without being chased down for questioning.  In hindsight this might have been an unneeded exercise given the lackadaisical efforts that I had met thus far by the evidently non-existent theft prevention police.  However, I had a little time and it is better to be safe than sorry.  I could not locate anyone on the store floor so I got in line at the nearest register.  There were 2 lines and each appeared to have an older lady in the process of purchasing items (as I looked around the average age of the shoppers this time of day appeared to be in the lower 90’s).  I flipped a coin in my head and opted for the line closest to the exit.  Then I waited.

It turns out that the line that I did not choose had a lady returning some items.  I thought to myself that I had dodged a bullet in the waiting game especially after the lady then decided to repurchase of the returned items (she had a coupon) along with some additional items.  Also, she had 2 coupons that could not be used together and had the cashier do the math as to which coupon was the better to use for her items (as it turned out, both coupons [despite one being a $10 off and one being a 20% off] came to the same [to the penny] amount).  Now, I was able to see her entire check out process since my line also contained a lady performing multiple transactions which included (among other things) getting something out of layaway.  Ultimately it was about 10 minutes (I am guessing, time passes more slowly when near the elderly I think) before I was able to explain my situation to the cashier and ask for a way to exit the store.  They examined my bag and scanned it over their little device behind the counter.  Whatever that device does, it allowed me to exit the store without the alarm going off again and thus appearing like a crook.

In the future I think I will avoid that store all the same.  There are other stores that I can walk through or maybe I will just walk around the entire mall property for good measure.

Jon

Sore Loser

From time to time (mostly in the non-summer months) our church has what we call a “food contest”.  Mostly it is an excuse to get together, fellowship, and enjoy some great, homemade food.  Some of us take it more seriously though.  The wife and I met and married each other in a different church then the one we currently attend.  That church had a smaller congregation and while we were there we were rock stars when it came to food (compared to our fellow attendees).  Now there were other good cooks (ok, so I exaggerated our status a little) but we were definitely toward the top of the pack.

Flash forward to approximately 9 years ago, our daughter was just born and the new church we had just started attending had a committee that specialized in providing meals for new parents (or any family going through a crisis [funeral, illness, severe injury, etc]).  Night after night, delicious food was delivered to our door.  Piping hot and (as one former co-worker used to say) “smack yo mamma in the mouth” good food and the quantity was amazing.  There was so much food that we had to call off the committee and eat leftovers (which was fine by me).  While we enjoyed the food, the wife and I knew in the back of our minds then and there that we had moved up to the big leagues.

There are typically (3) categories for each food contest and they rotate over the years.  The pastor picks the categories and they are published well in advance in the church bulletin.  The first few food contests we entered with high hopes.  I seem to recall even entering a dish on my own (some sort of casserole that involved using White Castle burgers (buns and all).  Each contest had the same result in that someone other than us won.  Time and again we outdid ourselves with our entries (in our humble opinions) and each time our hopes of winning were dashed.  We did not even warrant an honorable mention.  After a few years we had had enough and the wife decided to become a food contest judge instead of entering entrees and I resigned myself to be a simple enjoyer of the food.  Still though, I ate and enjoyed it with a heavy heart.  I wanted to be a food contest winner.  We then moved to Texas and our food contests were only a (bittersweet) memory.  When we returned to Indiana, we resumed attending our old church and jumped back into the contests.  The results were still the same however, no wins for the Dieterman family.

Yesterday was to be different though.  We had another contest and the categories were

1. Pork and Pasta
2. Hot Veggies
3. Cheesecake

Bingo!  Cheesecake!  The wife makes a mean NY style cheesecake.  This was our chance, after (9) years of disappointment we would finally break through!  The wife went to the store, purchased the necessary ingredients and jumped into action late Saturday afternoon.  This is no small cheesecake, it is a monster requiring a lot of work.  Then there is the cracking.  You see, over the years the wife has only suffered only one bad mark on her cheesecakes, namely they crack.  They still taste as good but are not as ascetically pleasing.  This time the wife was not going to put up with any cracking.  She did some research and discovered a few methods that she had not tried yet.

The cheesecake came out of the oven perfect.  The cooling methods that she used worked to a charm and Sunday morning the top of the cake was smooth and inviting.  It was going to be a great day.  All those years of frustration, of clapping for the other winners with clinched teeth and jealousy would be behind us for this was our day.

We arrived at the church around 5 pm and delivered our entry to the judges…

Now that is a smile of a winner folks, brimming with confidence, already spending the $10 gift certificate that is the prize to the winner of each category.  Notice too that there are no cracks.  Once small pieces were cut from each entry for the judges to taste, the entries were placed on the desert table.

The cake at the top right was key lime cheesecake and worried me at first.  Sometimes the judges go for originality and it is not like we have many lime trees here in Indiana.  The bottom left entry also gave me cause for concern as the puff pastry pie shell could get originality points as well.  The cakes toward the right (the one covered with plastic wrap and the one covered with cherries were no match for the wife’s cake.  The other two entries toward the top did not concern me either.  A prayer was said, lines were formed and we all dug in to the main courses with careful planning to leave room for desert.

After most of the eating was done (though there were many return visits for small helpings of favorites all night long) the pastor called for quiet and held in his hand the names of the winners.  Now was our time, quiet please.  The pork and pasta winner was announced.  The winner deserved it, it was a great Asian style noodle dish with flavorings to match.  There were not many hot veggie entries but the winner was clear (and the veggies were from her own garden – which some said was cheating, but evidently not grounds for disqualification).  Then it was time for us to be announced as winners (ok, well at least the wife).  Drum roll please…and the winner of the cheesecake category is…

Those of you that pay attention to detail (or those of you that know my wife) are probably wondering why this woman (and not the wife) is accepting the prize for the cheesecake category.  Trust me, we are still wondering this even this morning.  I am not sure who she bribed or maybe has some dirt on but somehow a gross injustice was done and we were (once again) losers.

Notice how the wife is choking back the tears of disappointment with some laughter.  And I guess it is funny, I mean, the pathetic desire to win at least once.  Before the judges made their decision I did wander around them and suggest that we were may have to look for a new church should we not win, a church that perhaps did not have so many good cooks and bakers.  I even half hoped for a “Hoosiers” type moment in the voting where after the vote was announced, something caused everyone to revote.  This of course did not occur.  We limped home, leftover cheesecake in tow (that’s right, the church did not even finish it all off for us) and reassessed the situation and in the end we decided to stay with this church and try again next time.  But a word to the judges, we had BETTER win next time.

Jon

Are You Mocking Me

As I mentioned in a previous blog, the wife and I were shopping for a new dishwasher.  We had it delivered last Tuesday.  First things first though, since we opted out of the $109 installation fee (delivery was free) there was the matter of removing the old unit (hauling away of the old unit was also free)…

Now, according to my research, this should have been a simple process.  There are only (3) things to disconnect: the power, the drain and the hot water hose.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  Not so fast though, let’s remember who we are dealing with here (namely me) and nothing (I repeat, nothing) ever goes right when it comes to me and tools.  I was able to get the power cut to the dishwasher (the breaker box had a breaker labeled “dishwasher”).  The drain (which was supposed to be like the drain that came with the new unit) was this big, industrial strength, rubber hose.  The hot water (which was supposed to 1: be like the replacement hose that Lowe’s talked us into and 2: run through the cabinet to 3: the sink) was this copper tube that ran through the wall (like through the studs in the wall).  But, hey, 1 out of 3 ain’t bad.

As you can see from the above picture, I did get everything disconnected without causing any damage (ok, other than the incredibly painful pinching of my left thumb with some pliers when trying to get the hot water disconnected).  At any rate, I was at least prepared for the Lowe’s crew to come and deliver the new dishwasher and haul off the old one.  They arrived at 2 in the afternoon (which was between the promised noon and 5) and I at this point in time my evening was prescheduled for me.

Doesn’t it look nice there, fresh and still in some wrapping?  Full of possibilities, full of future happiness for the wife and family as it delivers clean and sanitized dishes to us?  This is where it pretty much stayed for 2 days while I attempted to make the connections that came with it to match up with the items coming out of the wall.  We washed dishes the old fashioned way (well I usually dried) and it just stayed there, mocking me.  It mocked my manhood.  Every time that I walked into the kitchen, it was there to remind me of how I had fallen short.  I could feel it looking at me, then my toolbox, then back at me as if to say, “Hey buddy, why don’t you give it another try?”  When I was not in the kitchen, my very sore thumb (the one that I pinched in the pliers) was there to rub salt into the wound for good measure.

I plotted plans B and C and then do what I usually do, called my mother and her boyfriend to rescue me.  I did this most recently when installing a chandelier over the dining room table after there were sparks shooting from the ceiling.  They are used to this kind of call from me (sad to say).  They arrived on Thursday and after 2 more trips to Lowe’s the dishwasher was in it’s rightful place…

This is not the end of the story however as there is still a slight leak where the dishwasher drain feeds into that large, black drain hose.  It drips about once per second the entire time the dishwasher is draining so I have a small container behind the unit for now that I empty every 3 or 4 cycles.  I tried tightening the clamp on it tonight (risking another injury with the pliers) and it did slow the leak down, but it did not stop it.  I imagine that it will take another rescue visit from the installers.  It does do a much better job on the dishes and the wife does seem genuinely happy and my thumb is almost healed.  Hopefully soon this will just be a memory.  Even as I type this blog entry though, I can hear a slight drip, mocking me from the kitchen.

Jon

The Mental Lifecycle Of Special Music

Every few months I am asked to sing a song during the main church service.  Typically the song takes place during the offering portion of the service which is after the normal, congregational singing and announcements but before the actual sermon.  The early service (which we have been attending of late) does not have an official offering portion or any place for special music so whenever I am singing, we have to flip around our normal Sunday routine and attend the main service.  There are less men than women who perform in our church (and based on the churches I have attended in my life this is the norm).  If you add the fact that I am a male (low pressure as people are just happy to have a male up there singing) and that the first half of any song sung during an offering is slightly interrupted by people passing the offering plate then you can quickly see that the amount of scrutiny put on my actual performance is quite low.  I think I prefer it this way.  Given this, it does make it particularly difficult to gain the full attention of the audience when you want to drive home the point of the song.

With the exception of the time we spent in Texas, I have sang every few months for the past 6 or 7 years.  I am not the type to get nervous when speaking or performing in front of people (the congregation runs anywhere from 100-200 depending) but there is a definite cycle of emotions that my mind goes through between the time I am asked / scheduled to sing and the time that the performance is completed.

1. Surprise (2 months to go):  I am always surprised when someone asks me to sing.  Growing up I was not much of a singer.  I finally got the courage to sing in the same church that I met my wife and even though I have done a few dozen songs I am still honored (and surprised) when asked.
2. Apprehension (6 weeks to go):  Now I have to find a song to sing.  I could (and have at times) taken the easy road and redone a song from my past but it always nice to have a new(er) song to do.  Not all the songs that I like have accompaniment (karaoke) tracks available so this part of the process could take a week or two.  I like to sing songs that have meaning for me and not just songs that are pleasing to the ear.  My last 2 songs involved being a husband and / or fatherhood (including a real tear jerker on Father’s Day).
3. Excitement (4 weeks to go):  Once I have a song selected, I am excited.  I practice the song 10 or so times and see if I can hit all the notes (or at least most of them).  I am busy changing a note or two so that it matches my voice and focusing on the meaning of the song.  I even think about how I might introduce the song to the congregation before I start.
4. Comfort (2 weeks to go):  After about 30 run throughs, I get very comfortable with my song choice.  I know the troublesome parts of the songs (this particular note or this key change) and feel confident that I can work through them.
5. Panic (1 week to go):  With about a week to go, I still have a troubling portion or 2 of the song.  I know that I am pot committed at this time though having shared the song title with the service planner and with the person who lays out the weekly printed bulletin and mid week email message about the upcoming service.  After 50 run throughs of the song, I have to go with what I got.
6. Calm: (3 days to go):  The mid week email message outlining the upcoming service is out and my name is one it (it is always nice to see your name).  I have made my peace with the shortcomings of my voice as it relates to my song choice.  I know that no matter what, it will all be over soon.  Also I comfort myself knowing that no song, no matter how poorly sung, has ever been met with utter silence at any church I have ever attended.  There is always the pity clap that lasts long enough for the singer to bolt off of the stage and get lost in the pews.
7. Excitement Part 2 (2 hours to go):  I skip Sunday school to help set up the microphone and speaker for the section of the stage where I will be located for the song.  I get to interact with the sound guy and get the levels of the mike set up to my liking and get to hear myself on the big speakers.  The other musicians that will be leading the song service are coming in and setting up and they are always fun to talk to.  These guys are professionals compared to me so it is fun to pretend to be a musician for an hour or so.
8. Calm Part 2 (2 minutes to go):  If I am doing my song during the offering, I sneak up during the pastor’s prayer.  This always seem sacrilegious to me growing up.  All of us would close our eyes to a mostly empty stage and when we said the amen, there were several folks who obviously were NOT praying but setting up for the next song.  Now I get to be one of those people.
9. Confidence (the music starts):  As I mentioned earlier, I do not get nervous in front of a crowd.  Also, if I have selected a song with meaning to me then no matter the quality of the performance I can still get the message of the song through by simply not getting in the way of it.  Some performances are better than others but I always try to focus on the message.
10. Anticipation and Relief (the music ends):  It is always cool to have someone come up to you during greeting time or after service and explain how the song related to them.  Just having one person do this makes the hours and hours of prep time entirely worth it.  There is also the feeling that you are done with this task that you started 2 months ago.

This past Sunday I sang “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real.  It is a very touching song about the responsibility of being a husband and father and how we as men are truly powerless at times (without help) to lead our families as they look up to us to do just that.  I had many people come up after the service (a record number for me) to thank me for singing.  This past week was definitely a highlight in my singing “career”.  I have no idea when I will be singing next or what the song will be but I know it will follow the above outlined pattern.  It always does.

Jon

Brownie Points

A few weeks back, unbeknownst to me, the wife signed us up to be chaperones for an all day event for the Kokomo Children’s Choir.  The event lasted from 9 am until 4 pm but did entail about an hour’s drive each way making this into a 9 hour commitment.  The event was hosted by The Bach Chorale Singers and culminated in an hour long concert.  There were several other children’s choirs that were invited including a choir from Anderson (which had the longer trip between us and them).

We met at 7:30 at a church close to our house and though we could fit 4 more in the van, only one child needed a ride.  In all, 18 kids attended from our choir.  I know it was 18 as I spent the better part of my day as a chaperone counting to 18 to make sure we did not lose anybody.  Only 2 of the 18 were boys and they were solely my responsibility.  The kids practiced the songs they were going to perform as a large group (all the choirs combined) from 9 until 10.  Then from 10 to 11 they had a combination snack time and rehearsal time (when they could rehearse the songs that they would do only with their local choir).  From 11 to 12 they got to learn some dances from various cultures like Russia and Israel.  That seemed to be the most fun part and I wish I could have joined in.  The daughter looked like she was having a great time.

One thing that was available to the choir directors, their staff and to us chaperones was the hospitality room that had goodies from Panera Bread in the morning including bagels, cream cheese, coffee, juice, fruit and some donuts (not from Panera).  One donut caught my eye…

Sorry for the blurry picture.  Evidently the camera wanted to focus on a different donut.  This is a normal donut with Bavarian cream in the middle, chocolate icing and then topped with chocolate (M&M like) candies.  I don’t even think it is legal to serve M&M’s on donuts in Howard country so I grabbed the 1/2 that was left of this one and enjoyed it.

At 12 we broke for lunch.  The kids all brought a sack lunch and due to the nice weather we were able to head outside to eat.  The hospitality room had sandwiches so the wife and I grabbed one and some chips and water and headed out with the kids.  I was so concerned about counting to 18 that I did not see that some parents dropped off a new kid (evidently he had a ball game that morning).  So imagine my dismay when my count and recount totaled 19 instead of 18.  It is one thing to lose a kid (my fear) but to gain one, that did not enter my mind.  Fortunately for me, the extra kid was a boy and I was able to figure out why it was not all adding up.

From 1 to 2:30 it was back to group practice and the choir director released us from our duties for an hour or so.  The wife and I walked outside the school and found a local mini-mart and bought a coke and just hung out.  At 3 the concert was set to begin and our group was on 3rd.

I did not get a chance to go into the packed audience (seating I would estimate at 600 – 800 seats) so this is from the sidelines.  Once the other choirs all performed it was time for all the kids to sing…

Can you see my daughter?  No?  Well neither could I.  The director was great with the kids during rehearsals and you could tell he really knew how to get the most out of them.  He was just the right combination of quirky and serious.

We were not needed to drive any of the kids home as most of their parent came for the concert even though our group made up the smallest percentage of kids.  I got to hang out with the wife all day, had a free lunch and an awesome donut and (the best part) earn serious husband / father brownie points.  All in all, not a bad day.

Jon

Half As Quiet

I have mentioned multiple times recently that the wife is working part time and the money that she earns from that job is going towards projects around the house.  The project list is long and items on it jostle for position.  I try to keep track of what’s next but honestly I could not tell you what is on the top of the list at this time.  I can tell you that toward the top of the list though is a new dishwasher.

The dishwasher we currently use came with the house and is getting up there in years.  One thing the wife has never liked about it is that there are only sprayers on the bottom of the unit whereas most newer models have an extra sprayer for the top rack.  She often corrects my loading of the dishwasher as I put items on the bottom that would inhibit the items on the top layer getting as clean as the need to be.  Anyway, we are in the market for a new dishwasher.

The son was staying with the mother-in-law last night so the wife, daughter and I headed to Lowe’s to check out the dishwashers.  Lowe’s has about 20 floor models with quite a range in price.  The floor models are set up by price and one row has the lower cost models while the row next to it has the high end ones.  We (of course) were in the low cost row looking for a comparable model that would be in the budget.  In the next row was an older couple and the Lowe’s employee assigned to this area of the store.  The older man had the Lowe’s guy move the unit into the middle of the aisle so he could measure it.  The wife and I felt a little unprepared when our whole plan (I guess) was to eyeball whether or not a unit would fit under our counter.

Anyway, while the old man was measuring, the old lady was asking questions.  One question revolved around the volume of noise this particular dishwasher put out.  The Lowe’s dude replied that this unit was only at 57 decibels when running.  From what I remember of my common sounds, that seemed to be pretty quiet.  He (the Lowe’s dude) then added that this amount of sound (57 db) was half as quiet as normal conversation.  This bothered me on two levels.

First of all, normal human conversation is around 50 db so unless the decibel scale is like the earthquake scale (with orders of magnitude), there is no real way that 57 was 1/2 of 50.  Even background chatter at places like restaurants is 60 db.  I think this guy needs to read the brochure again.  The second thing that bothered me was his choice of comparative words.  What does “half as quiet” even mean?  Did he mean half as loud perhaps?  Either way, the math did not work out.

I have heard people use these kind of comparisons before.  Examples like “twice as broke”, “half as ugly”, “half as cold”, etc, come to mind.  Using the opposite end of the spectrum when comparing should make you think twice before believing the person using this language (this is kin to wondering if thaw and unthaw are antonyms or synonyms).

In the end, we did not buy a dishwasher.  It is not that we were doing this as a reaction to the salesman’s poor skills but that we were just not ready to pull the trigger yet.  The models in OUR row (the low cost models) did not really use decibel levels on their sales brochures anyway and used phrases that were trying to convince us that they just worked, not worked quietly.  They might as well add, “unit can be heard throughout the house, just so you know it is working” to the bullet points.

Jon

Like Father, Like Son

3 weeks ago I wrote a blog about my abandoning the NFL for this season.  So far so good.  I did overhear in a conversation that the Indianapolis Colts lost on a last second field goal last week so I have at least saved myself the immediate gut wrenching feeling and successive minor depression for a day or two.  I have also gained about 12 hours of my life from not watching the first (4) weeks of games.

This is not the case for my son who (for the first time) has a sudden interest in football.  I don’t just mean that he likes to watch it (he is a Dallas Cowboys fan).  He is enjoying playing at recess at school and hardly a night has gone by that he has not begged me to go outside and toss the pigskin with him.  Initially he threw the ball pretty good but was not great at catching.  He was basically afraid of the ball like a lot of kids are but nightly practice, my goading him on, and (most importantly) peer pressure have got him to be more aggressive.  I try to explain to him that the game is a lot more than throwing and / or catching.  I point out that the quarterback (which he thinks he wants to be) has to know all the receiver’s routes and be ready to watch the entire field and (in most cases) get a pass off in 3 seconds or risk being pummeled by huge men who wish to do him harm.  He then (of course) asked me to teach him how to do all that and was a little saddened that I did not know how.

When I played football at his age (also only at recess) I was mainly a receiver.  With my height advantage I just needed the pass to be high in the air and I could out jump my defender.  I threw a baseball (and thus a football) side armed and that was definitely not an advantage so I was seldom the quarterback.  I do remember having a lot of fun though.

Another thing I am trying to teach him is comedy.  My forte is sarcasm (which he cannot quite grasp) but he thinks he has what it takes to be a stand up comedian.  Or at least to memorize other comedian’s stand up routines enough to make others laugh.  He is busily working on his timing and facial expressions along with memorizing a few Jim Gaffigan routines.  I have cleaned up a line or two here and there and suggested alternative words that are more appropriate for a 12 year old.  He never realized how much hard work is involved.

Our church is having one of their famous “talent” nights this coming Sunday and he is seriously considering signing up and trying out his new found skills.  He has a 4 minute routine on cake and another 4 minute one on holiday traditions (with fruit cake as the natural segue [another thing I taught him]).  I am trying to talk wife to playing the song “Rainbow Connection” while I sing along and then I might attempt another song (a cappella) but I have not finalized my plans.  I half expect the son to bow out and not go through with it.  I will have to keep you posted.  I am not sure if I want him to succeed or fail as it has been quite annoying to hear the same routine over and over again for weeks on end.  I wonder if other comedian’s fathers felt this way?

Jon

Nickel Please

There are (2) magic words that work wonders whenever we are checking out with the cashier at a store that offers their own store credit card.  Those (2) words are “Dave Ramsey”.  If you are not familiar with Dave, he promotes Financial Peace University which is offered (among other places) at local churches everywhere.  He is a big fan of paying cash for everything and is very much against credit cards of any kind.  Debt of any kind is the enemy.  We follow his plan to an extent and the last time I owned or used a credit card was when I rented the U-Haul to move back to Indiana (so, approximately 19 months).  We each have a debit card tied to our joint checking account and other than our mortgage we have no debt (both cars are paid for, etc).  We are chipping away at our 15 year mortgage little by little.

One way we are doing this is by charging our children a nickel for bad behavior.  Any infraction of house rules has the same charge more or less, a single nickel.  The violations range from forgetting to put away the dishes (a daily chore) to leaving clothes on the floor to inappropriate conversation at the dinner table.  Each child has a file on the desktop of our main computer so we can keep track of the money owed.  Once a child has reached $1.00 in fines, they have to pay at which time we delete the list of trespasses.  Here is the current file for the son…

$0.65 - 09/30/10  6:28 PM - Inappropriate dinner conversation
$0.60 - 09/30/10  8:15 AM - Left laptop in living room after bedtime
$0.55 - 09/30/10  7:00 AM - Did not put dirty plate in sink
$0.50 - 09/28/10  8:30 PM - Left laptop in living room after bedtime
$0.45 - 09/28/10  7:00 PM - Did not put school uniform in laundry
$0.40 - 09/27/10  8:30 PM - Did not put away clothes
$0.35 - 09/21/10  7:05 PM - Left shoes in living room
$0.30 - 09/21/10  7:02 PM - Tipping back chair at dinner table
$0.25 - 09/21/10  7:01 PM - Tipping back chair at dinner table
$0.20 - 09/21/10  6:55 PM - Tipping back chair at dinner table
$0.15 - 09/19/10 12:01 PM - Did not make bed
$0.10 - 09/19/10 10:30 AM - Writing on his arm with ink pen ($0.05 per word)

As you can see we mark the date, time and description so there is no argument.  Note that there were (3) consecutive “tipping of the chair” infractions.  We just started this a month or so ago and each child has had to pay $1.  I take the $1 and immediately put it in the change jar.  The money in that jar (once it reaches a big enough pile) is placed directly on the mortgage.  So in a way, we are paying off our house with our kid’s poor behavior.

Now you might think that $0.05 is not a lot of money.  To that I would say that 1) it really adds up and 2) my kids are greedy (to an extent).  Currently this amount is enough to deter the continuing of the behavior (which as you can tell with the chair tipping) would result in more nickel penalties.  The current record so far is (4) straight penalties.  I suppose when it becomes obvious that the amount is too small then we can increase it to a dime.  Also, since I have a financial gain to any bad behavior, I can point this out if the child is doing something to upset me.  The son especially does not like owing me money so our policy of not letting him pay off his “debt” until it reaches $1 discourages bad behavior as well.  All in all this plan is working as you can see from the example above that there is only (1) infraction per day on average over the last (2) weeks.

Well the kids are in bed and I just noticed that the daughter left her stuffed animals in the dining room (she has been reminded to put them up before going to bed) so I need to add this to her file.

Jon