Legal Precedent

I tell my kids “No” a lot.  It is not that I am a cruel tyrant of a father, it is just they have a way of remembering the “Yes” answers and will refer back to them in the future.  I have to be extremely careful not to give in to their pleadings in the heat of the moment as these decisions inevitably come back to haunt me.  I swear that my daughter has the mind of a lawyer.  She will ask me if she can stay up past her allotted bedtime one night in her room and I will tell her, “No”.  Undeterred, she will (as if she had anticipated and prepared for my answer) state her case…

Dear Father, may I refer you to Case 1467: Father Vs Son Dec 2009 (aka Can I Stay Up To Read In My Room?) where you, Father, agreed to let Your Son stay up late to read in his room.  I believe if you review the case you will see that the situation is similar enough (relative age of offspring, subject matter of book to be read, etc) that I deserve the same treatment and outcome.  To not do so would result in A) your good name as a good and fair father being tarnished B) anarchy and chaos in our household as we know it due to inconsistent paternal rulings or C) both.  I await your reconsideration in this matter.

You can ask my wife, this is only a SLIGHT exaggeration.

I tell my wife “No” a lot as well.  Now this might seem to go against my mantra, “Happy Wife, Happy Life” but a man has to draw the line somewhere.  She operates in much the same manner as the children in that “yes” answers are remembered for a long time.  Evidently there is no statute of limitation on a good deed.  A recent example is getting up in the middle of the night to let McKinney (our 3 month old standard poodle puppy) outside.  At 3 AM when she (the puppy) whines, the wife (after having taken care of this duty for the first few weeks [part of our agreement that we hammered out when deciding to get a new puppy]) asked me to do it this time.  She used her best “I’m tired” voice followed by her “it is dangerous for me to be outside alone at night” voice.  I carefully considered my answer despite having just been awoken from a deep sleep.  I know that I love my wife and I know that I want to do this for her but I also know that if I do it, I will be expected to do it a) more often or b) from this point forward.  I have to be strong and tell her, “No” as a “Yes” answer is not only an agreement to do it this time but henceforth and forever more (possibly even for future puppies).

Another recent example was from this Sunday.  We were running a little behind for church on Sunday morning (not an unordinary thing) and the wife asked me to touch up one of the daughter’s toenails with some polish.  I looked into my crystal ball and saw myself (after a series of cases stating legal precedence) painting not only the daughter’s toenails but also the wife’s (and possibly McKinney’s) and had no other choice but to refuse.  I saw the future with a “Yes” answer and it was not pretty.

A cousin of this concept is the one piece of advise that I give to new or expectant fathers.  I try not to give too much unsolicited advise but I feel that this is so important and universally true that I have to speak up.  I simply tell them that, when considering doing something to entertain their new child, they consider one question, “Will I want to do this one thing 1,000 times over the next several months?”  If the answer is “No” then you have to (no matter how entertaining your actions might me) choose not to do it.  You might be doing some Three Stooges type comedic routine that involves a little pain and (trust me, I know) it might be worth it (such is the power of the laughter of children).  But if you do this thing over and over (and over and over) again (“Do it again, Daddy!”) you may develop long term health issues.  This is one piece of advice that I wish someone would have given to me.

Jon