I would like to take time today to describe an argument that the wife and I have had multiple times (and will likely continue to have since we both feel we are right). I will do my best to be fair and present both sides of this dispute. Here is a typical instance of this argument.
(upon realizing that JON is getting a drink)
”Can you get me something too?”
(leaving the kitchen with a single glass in his hand)
”Here, just have this glass that I have just poured.”
”I do not want to take yours. Can you not pour 2 glasses and bring me 1?”
”You wish to have a beverage. You asked me for a beverage. I am giving you a beverage. You are getting exactly what you asked for!”
(frustrated)
”I want us both to have beverages. Please pour another glass.”
The scene does not end here (ever!) but this gives you a decent overview of this argument. Here is what is going through each of our minds (I am guessing for the most part what is going through the wife’s head).
JON’S HEAD
Most things that I do in life involve a calculation of the work/pain/effort to pleasure ratio. I think all of this do this to some extent but I have managed to make this into an art. A good example is last night. We went out to dinner at our favorite pizza place (Brooklyn’s) and placed our usual order. The lady behind the counter asked us what we wanted to drink. Like most places, Brooklyn’s charges an incredible price for soft drinks compared to their cost. Syrup, carbonated water, and the price of washing a cup still leaves space for 1000% profit. I like soft drinks as much as the next guy but I do not think that it will bring me $2 worth of pleasure compared to the pain of being separated from my $2. The real cost here is $6 since the wife and son would complain if I only bought a drink for myself (the daughter’s meal comes with a drink already) and $4 worth of pain is definitely worth the pleasure of not having to listen to them complain every time that I take a drink. Since the pleasure I would get from the soft drink is less than the pain of spending $6, we all get water. A few weeks ago while in the cafeteria at the office I spotted some donuts for $0.70 each. They looked good and so I bought one. I can tell you now that it did not bring me $0.70 worth of pleasure since is it was sort of bland so I will not be buying donuts from there again. These examples both involve money but sometimes money is not involved. This brings us back to the argument. What the wife does not realize is that before I ever get up to get myself something to drink, I have done the math. Specifically, I have calculated the amount of effort it will take to get up off the couch (I am confortable and cozy there), walk to the kitchen, get down a glass, get ice, pour the drink, return to the couch and (possibly) fight off a dog or two that has stolen my spot. I have then compared that to the pleasure of drinking the beverage. If pleasure > pain (in this case effort) then I get up and head to the kitchen. If effort > pleasure then I do not. Simple math. When the wife asks me to get her something to drink then that throws off the equation. I had not calculated the extra effort of pouring and carrying 2 glasses. Also, at times there is only enough left for one glass (if we are almost out of sweet tea). What do do then? Do I give the wife the tea and I get by with water? That would definitely throw off the math since now I have the pain side of the equation going up (more work) and the pleasure side going down (pleasure from drinking water < pleasure from drinking tea). Also, now there is the effort of doing the math again. In the end I am now doing 2 calculations. First I have to determine if telling the wife “No, get your own.” is worth it. Will the pleasure of my drink be greater than the sum of the effort to pour it and the pain of having her upset at me? If I do give her the drink I have already poured (as in the scene above) then I need to calculate if pouring a glass of water (after already being up and in the kitchen) is worth the pleasure of drinking it. In the end, I decide that it is NOT worth it to tell the wife to get her own drink and also that is is NOT worth it to pour myself an additional drink hence I do not get myself anything to drink.
CHRIS’ HEAD
The desire to have something to drink is something she would have been thinking about for several minutes before I got up to get myself something. She too is doing her own calculation and the price of moving off the couch is more than the pleasure of having a drink. This is understandable as in her equation she has the added warmth of at least one dog keeping her warm (likely Oreo on her lap) and the pain (removal of pleasure / warmth) if she got up. I can respect her math here. However, when I get up, she quickly recalculates. Now the the pain side of the equation has been significantly reduced since she can “pile on” to the pain side of my equation and get the same amount of pleasure (or maybe slightly less depending on the relative value of having to deal with asking me to do this for her or perhaps dealing with an improper ice to liquid ratio due to my lack of beverage preparation skills). At any rate, the pleasure to pain ratio for her has swung and she asks me (since I am already up) to pour her a drink as well. When I do my recalculation and offer her my drink and then she notes that I will NOT be getting a drink, this lowers the pleasure side of her equation (or perhaps increases the pain, either way, it doesn’t matter). The best solution (remember that we are in her head now) is for me to ignore my math and just do what she wants (keeping her equation clean and leaning toward pleasure). She knows of course that I cannot do this (silly girl).
OUT OF OUR HEADS AND BACK TO THE BLOG
When she is forced to decide if the enjoyment of her drink is worth the pain of knowing that I have no beverage, we then have this argument where each of us describe basically what is going on in our heads. We have two equations that cannot be solved. The glass that I have already poured for myself is now not worth it. The pain of having the wife upset with me is not worth the pleasure of drinking it and the wife’s pleasure of drinking it is not more than the pain of knowing that I have nothing. This is the mathematical equivalent of dividing by 0 or calculating the value of the square root of –1.
In my defense, I am not upset at her asking me to get her a drink. She is my wife, I do a lot of things for her. What upsets me is the phenomenal lack of respect for math (math like she is doing in her head before asking me to do this chore). Enjoy the drink. I want you to have this drink. It is ok. Respect the math.
This argument has began to happen with the daughter as well (usually over a beverage though normally at the lunch or dinner table). Her response is about like her mother’s. The son, he just takes the drink and thanks me (he is good at math – but he is also not that great at empathizing with other’s feelings so that might be it). Either way, I am almost certain that this blog is not the end of this discussion.
Jon
